Last week, I had some days at home and towards the end of the extended time at home. While being independent has its benefits and can be a great thing, a huge concept of what must be maintained, at least in myself, is the ability to not mentlly isolate and not want to do anything.
While last week had little issues, as traditionally what happens mid-week is the fact that I isolate and dwell on the motions that must be gone through as a part of life. I have now gotten to the point in my journey that I am able to better manage them for what they are and understand that they are what must be presently undertaken. However, there are instances when I mentally isolate, particularly by laying in bed and crawling under the covers and acting as if I want to get into flight mode and give up all my opportunities that are provided to me.
Deep down, I know that the current routine that I am following is indeed healthy and has minimal issues. However at times my brain cannot get out of a negative state of mind and as such I can have difficulty getting back on track. Eventually, I will return to a positive train of thought, but in those negative moments, it can take out my feelings on those I know will take it.
Recently, my circle has gotten closer and as such at times there can be one primary person who I dish my invalid feelings to, and I know it isn’t healthy to do so. While I am an intelligent person and can think clearly most times, it can be hard to not see the silver lining in situations when I need to. I know there are other external confidential supports that I can reach out to if necessary, but I have yet to build that trust with an external source yet. I am hoping that someday that I will be able to have confidence to build out my support circle as it has recently lost some people to it.
I know I need to expand my horizons too and do things that keep me busy in order to prevent isolation. I think personally there are some pre-activity anxiety jitters that arise prior to doing something. This can be when doing things that are new to me or for the first time. I know that once I do them, I will be able to manage myself well and potentially have a blast.
It can be hard to do things that you may not feel comfortable doing for the first time, especially if you are in a comfort zone like me and have been doing the same things for an extended period of time. Doing things beyond what is in your comfort zone can be challenging in the beginning. Doing things such as school, work and program over the years has presented its challenges with my anxiety and I have conquered them.
Likewise being independent has been a HUGE challenge and finally being on the right track after years of relapse and reframing has finally come to fruition. As such, I am further adulting and as such need to stop having these juvenile behaviors that have been stuck in a three decades or more trap. I am making improvements in other areas but the wanting to isolate is a struggle that never seems to go away.
I have several things at my disposal that I could do, I just have difficulty getting them started and engaging in one certain thing and being certain that I will enjoy it. I always worry about being triggered by certain things that I do that result in an automatic shutdown of that activity. This in turn repeats the cycle and can again result in isolation. Therefore as much planning as can be done beforehand is essential in order to break the cycle of isolation, after all isn’t that what it’s all about?
I don’t know if I can learn and grow from the proper experiences that I indeed experience, but i have recognized that it is something that I need to work on and I hope that I can learn and grow from the prior instances that I have experienced.