Being independent, yet not having total freedom to go the places you truly want to go can be rough to manage. Having to wait and rely on the help or services of others can make you feel like your independence is severed and dependent on whatever is available to you. While I am working on lessening this need, I must not give up while working towards that ultimate goal.
I do have to admit that the past week was quite the struggle to get through because of the dynamic involved with my need to and from my employment and the dynamic it involves. I am learning that I am maturing more as time goes on and I want (and deserve) my own freedom. I know I can get to that point and that is a process I am working on slowly getting. However, not having that true feeling that adults have with their freedom can put me in a really bad headspace. This can sometimes mean hours of unproductive and useless time just laying in bed or sitting on the couch obsessing on ways I think I can change an impossible situation that simply for the time being has to be the way it is. I sometimes want to lash out at others for having to go through these motions, but medication helps in this and I have accepted and realized this.
I know I am the one responsible for continually throwing the pity party on myself and sometimes wanting to bring others down in my misery. I don’t like feeling that way or having the struggles that I face. I know that the current dynamic has to be involved at the present moment while establishing a plan for the near future and seeing what that offers can give me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. While I am not too eager to see what that anticipated plan is, It must be the igniting flame that keeps me going through the motions that I must go through week in and week out to maintain my standard of living.
I cannot make a snap decision to just call it quits because I don’t like what I have to experience on a given day. In reality, what I have to experience is not harmful or unsafe, if it is used properly, it can be pretty resourceful if I allow it to be. I love my job and what it involves. I am guaranteed to have my job as long as I want it and for the foreseeable future I plan on staying the course and eventually getting back to the levels I was at years ago due to continued stability of maintaining my mental wellness. I know that working is beneficial and healthy and can help me sustain some of the things I rely on in my personal independence for being entertained constantly such as media, etc. that I would otherwise not be able to afford if I was not employed.
Life is what you make it. I can sit here and feel bad about the motions I have to go through and want to plea to people to put an end to the perceived misery I am experiencing, or I can choose to make the best of the experience by using the proper defense mechanisms to cope with going through the motions that are required of me to get through these trying times that I must endure although they are a struggle for me to go through, they can be helpful if I put them to good use. While I must set my mental health as my top priority, I must also practice radical acceptance to get through the things that I dislike and can be difficult to withstand, because one day I will no longer be dependent on the need of the dependence of others. It is the importance of holding everything together when necessary and relieving it when possible in the safe methods and not making it detrimental for my mental health by doing so.