Sometimes in life it is the little things that make the difference. It’s the moments that you don’t see the bad in everything and look past everything that seems so bad and causes you to ruminate and want to run away from all the things you know you should be an adult and bear. It can be hard to see past all the things that stress you and know that there are things in life that are worth doing.
For the longest time in 2021, I looked at everything from a negative lens and couldn’t see why I was doing something and the difference it made to someone. However, as others saw me in this manner it presented me as a person that I did not want to be and I knew that if I wanted to make the best of it, the return had to be up to me to do so.
Many days throughout my flawed thoughts of thinking, I would blame everyone else for the way I was acting. To some degree others were responsible for driving me into that negative state of mind that I passed off onto others, specifically those close to me who had the intent of being supportive by trying to make my life better, yet I did not see it this way. Because of my flawed thinking, I saw it as they, like my negative influences, were trying to gang up and make my life a living nightmare.
With weeks of encouragement and learning about myself, at a moment’s notice I decided to build the boundaries around the things that were detrimental in my daily life. Once I did that things changed. I enjoyed time with others. I valued the time that I had not only with myself, but those around me. I realized life is too short to be in that frame of mind that I was in during 2020 and 2021. I know what I need to do to make it better, and doing what was initially needed saved my life from potentially having another relapse and going into crisis again.
Now I want to say that 2022 hasn’t been perfect. Nothing is perfect. But it is in a better mindset than where I was the last few years. Others in my care have seen how well I can bounce back from unpleasant situations that could have brought me back into relapse. The fact is, as much as I, being autistic want things to go the way I think they should be, they at times can not due to a myriad of reasons. However, that is when I utilize the defenses in my arsenal to cope to get through the challenging times that I do not like. Those that are in positions of authority are aware of my need to utilize these defense mechanisms when necessary and are very accommodating of my needs.
Therefore, there is no excuse for me to have a meltdown given I have the proper tools to manage the myriad of the climate that is going to happen in life. Again, life isn’t going to be perfect, but I have to own the responsibility to do what is right so I do not present myself in the manner that I do not want others to see me in. I want to present myself as the more positive based person instead of the one that has to be the spoiled little brat that those close to me can see when I am at my worst.
I am hoping to make 2022 a better year, and being in the third month has made me seen the potential for me to do so. As I have said many times, I am in the driver’s seat of my progress and can choose what I want to do with my life. There are many things that I am doing this year that when doing the same thing last year came with a great deal of negativity that I couldn’t see when people were trying to help me be a better person instead of what I thought they were doing. Those close to me and those in supporting roles did not deserve to be dragged in the misery that I drug them through. Many times when I experience negative thoughts,I am able to quickly process them and move past them without the need to reach out to others for support or when I do, by the time they respond, I have processed the outcome.
Life is what you make it. You can choose to live in the misery that you choose to create through no fault of your own, or you can choose to life it to the fullest potential that you know you can, totally your call.