You Can’t Get There By Staying Here

2022 has been an exciting year. I feel in a really good place mentally and seem to be grounded really well in many ways that I haven’t been since my first independence experience. Now that I worked out many of the kinks that I had to discover on my own, it is now time to get real and grow from where I left off over three years ago.

Besides the world being in a pandemic state, I had to hit rock bottom and learn alot over the past three years and while I am still not in a totally perfect place, I have been pretty grounded and in a good place mentally for the past two months. In those past two months, I had to do some discovering of who I really wanted to be and to learn that I cannot change who I am. I must learn that I have to be me and that I have the capability to grow even more. 

Part of that is accepting the responsibility that I can no longer hide what is out in the open. My weight has been an issue for some time, while it is in part caused by my medication side effects that I cannot change, I have had bad habits for some time that have contributed to my massive weight gain over the past two decades. While I made a good faith attempt to work on this last year, I wasn’t sincere in the effort of doing so. I refrained from addressing my food triggers of the why and how that I do it. I never acknowledged how bad it really is. I know I need to work on addressing them or I will never get anywhere. Sometimes it can be an automatic reaction because I think that I deserve that treat or it is my feel good thing, but I can no longer reward the efforts when I know I am trying to fight the obesity battle by turning around and crushing my work with unhealthy food and drink. I have the tools I need to fight the struggles that I face, yet I choose to ignore them and make an ill effort to replace them with bad behavior.

Sometimes we refrain from doing things we know we need to do because it produces anxiety or fear that it will cause us some pain. While that may very well be true to some degree, I know if I want to combat my goals of what I want to do in life, I can’t live in total fear of the challenges that they present for me. If I continue to remain in my comfort zone, I cannot get to the ultimate dreams I have in life. I get that there can be autistic people that cannot have the things that many have, but I hope someday to be able to be more independent than I am now. If not for me, but because I will need to eventually. I must accept the fact that my parents are not getting any younger and that someday they will be unable to support me in my independence in the way that they do presently. Other family members are unable to support me in that manner, so while I know that with the proper assurance and skillset, I will excel at the things I stopped working on I left before becoming unwell. I think I in part became unwell because I had to learn some of the reasons why I needed certain things, but also because I thought that I had to catastrophize and end up at the end. Then I became unwell, then I had to leave my home, then COVID hit, then I had to rebuild my life and finish discovering myself and get back in a good place mentally. I’m not 100% there, but I am pretty close at this point. I have accepted that I don’t have to get to point Z overnight and that things will have to be taken in slow steps to taper the anxiety, but it can be done and should be done so I am not as miserable or sheltered as I am now. 

I know for a fact that I want to grow and be a member of my community. Working on the things that I need to do opens doors and the world to so many possibilities. The things that I have in my life are not guaranteed forever, but I know that for now they are here at the present moment. My external activities fulfill my need to be occupied with engaging activity and purposeful work to have a delicate balance of mental stability. While every entity has its frustrations, I have been able to leave mine at the door recently and not let them boil into the after-hours. Doing this makes me more relaxed and able to work on things that I need to work on personally like my wellness, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I know that the aforementioned three things in the last sentence are big goals, however to start 2022, I know they are essential from starting where I left off over three years prior. They are by no means easy to do, but they are necessary to maintain my life on the earth and not end it premorbidly. As such I have been doing things to combat the meeting of these needs daily and progress is being made, slowly. It makes me want to pursue new things in 2022 that I know that I’ve needed to adjust in my life and may open up some smaller doors before they open the bigger ones down the road. It all takes time and will all work out in the end.

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