The last few days I have been aboard the self-pity train. I know lately I have been there alot and I have little reason to be. Earlier this month, I was more on a vocalized role with my parents at a time they did not need it because of a handful of deaths of those known to us. Now, my new method is pouting myself to sleep because I think I have such a horrible life when in fact it isn’t that bad.
Despite all life’s challenges, I am doing well. I am not having any issues with anyone or anything and as well known as it is, isolation can be the culprit in aiding me aboard the self-pity express to sleepytown. When I wake up, I am angry with myself that I wasted so much time just crawling up in a ball feeling sorry for myself when there were opportunities for me to do things that are productive for me. It can be so easy to just lay down in bed and think about all the things that you “think” are wrong, when in fact it is just your body overeating. Reality is not that bad for me. I have everything I need and want and don’t have to worry about anything at the moment. It often takes until I crawl in the bed for 2-3 hours and then wake up,become angry about the unproductive time and realize that I am lucky to have life’s circumstances the way they are right now.
I have no reason at the moment to complain in life when so many others out there in the world have far more challenges than I do. My issues many times are miniature compared to the complex challenges that many face, sometimes every hour. I should be grateful for all I have in life when all I do is complain about the things that I think are wrong or because they don’t operate the way I want them to, complain how they are bothersome to me.
One thing I must realize is that I cannot grab control of all factors of my life. There are things that I will have to be a part of that are out of my ability to control and may make me feel uncomfortable and anxious. That doesn’t give me the right to complain to anyone who I think will sympathize that my life is THAT bad because of THAT one thing. In the grand scheme of things, it is a small inconvenience to me that I have to do my best to manage to get through using the mechanisms I have been taught, If I have spent decades in therapeutic care not putting the skills I have been taught to work in order to fight life’s challenges, then that’s shame on me for not doing so and acting like a jerk. I should be thankful that I have the opportunity to have the devoted professionals to interact with me and employ the skills in me and have the ability to retain them for my knowledge. Now, I just need to put the skills to use and not be foolish and ignore the signal to want to feel bad for myself.
I cannot feel sorry for not having things go the way I wanted. I cannot get angry, take my toys and go home because I do not like the way that things operate. In many instances, those decisions do not solely affect me and are out of my liking for many reasons. However, I must become more graceful and accept things for what they are instead of being that spoiled little brat who feels sorry for himself and gets mad because he doesn’t get things the way HE thinks they should be. I am a person of great intelligence and to become this immature makes me look like someone who someone of my capacity is completely not and in the eyes of others why would they want to believe that my journey is a good one and that such a petty setback is OK or an excuse for getting what you want. I must be the man and the model that those around me expect me to be and avoid getting into these petty incidents of feeling sorry for myself because that is not who I want others to see me as. I have so many good qualities to share that these little selfish ones taint the positivity of who I am and won’t let me see beyond where I am because if I don’t improve myself, I will be the one who is the one who cries to get what he wants, and that is not mature.
I know I must work on this. It isn’t easy to deal with things that are hard to digest and to do things in a way that you don’t want to. But life is the way it is, and sometimes you have to be a better person and accept it for what it is rather than make it a continual fight because when you are the only one acting sorry about it, then you must accept that you have to make the change for you because you are the one that needs improvement.