As I am writing this, I am sad to report that it hasn’t been the best of weekends. It has been a bout of not putting forth any effort to do anything. As a result, it has caused me to go into this deep dark depressive state where I overthink everything I do. When I am in my moment I am OK, but when I get in those dark depressive states, I think I am the most hate-filled man on the planet.
I know I need to be occupied when I am alone. When I am alone, it is a preempter to becoming isolated and after pledging not to do so in therapy this week, I spent most of the weekend doing so. I know I can’t get back that time and I have to move on because it is what you do. I know that I need to reach out to others for natural support. Once in a great while, others will reach out to me, yet I get overly anxious and don’t want to respond because I feel it could dig me deeper in the figurative hole that I am in. I know I need to do what is right for me first and foremost, but sometimes, I am just afraid of taking that chance and getting to do something I enjoy with others.
It makes me want to put myself down because I want to remain in my comfort zone because it is what makes me feel comfortable. I have such a hard time putting myself out there and stating when I need to reach out and garner the support of others because I am so lonely. I know of resources that I can reach out to, yet I live in such great fear of embarrassment and rejection even though I know that I need the support and my information will be secure due to various confidentiality clauses. I just am in the fear that what I am facing is just so minimal that its on the short end of the problems that everyone is facing in this looming crisis.
In addition to the crisis, when this post will be published, it will be the first day of November. That means we are in the last week of Daylight Saving Time and in six days we will be changing the clocks back. I am realizing that in my mid-thirties that I am emotionally experiencing the change of seasons as those with mental health challenges do. When I leave for the day program and work, it is in near darkness as it sets in earlier than normal too. As both the cooler winter weather and the looming pandemic goes on, with my overabundance of caution to protect myself from being a victim of the virus, I need to make sure that my mental health is in check.
I have been trying my darndest to utilize the self-care tools in my toolbox when I know I need to so that I don’t isolate and become a casualty of a lost poor me day. I know I need to work on things to better my mental health so that I do not end up in a bad place. One of those things I have to say that I honestly have been doing has been taking my medicine. I am realizing that it helps me and not hurts me and contrary to prior thought isn’t a reason I don’t want to do anything. In fact,I am realizing that if I didn’t take it, I would eventually shut down and that wouldn’t be good either. I have to realize that I need to be on top of what I am feeling and recognize when I am struggling and reach out for help when I need it. With everything I have experienced in the course of the past three years, I know I am slowly creeping out of the bad parts and am physically in a really good place, but mentally behind closed doors, I am not there and I have to garner the supports of others when necessary, whether that is a warm line, COVID Line or online support group. There cannot be any shame when it becomes necessary to reach out to these supporters that are not clinically based as they should be seen just as equally helpful if used to their intention. I know If I do not it will be a long winter.
I know that I focused more on the mental health side of things during this weeks’ adulting post but I realize that there is no health without mental health and that I got to get back on track with what is necessary to be independent before I derail myself into a darker hole.