Back to the wellness department, I honestly have to say in both regards of physical and mental wellness the fight has been hard to keep burning. I know it is the right thing to do, but the inner voices keep thinking that going off-course would be a better idea, although I mentally revisit the points that don’t make it so good.
First, on the mental front that I know is so important. I fight every night with my inner voice telling me that I can “just skip” a dose of the medicine that bogs me down. Although I will have a bust of energy throughout the night where I will be able to accomplish so much of my inner dreams. However, when daybreak approaches, I the symptoms that the medicine I take is used for shows its rears and the symptoms from not medicating appear. I use tactics like autistic masking to try to hide it as much as I can, but when I come home from the day’s activities, I am useless to anyone and I don’t want to be honest about my actions the night prior. I often fall asleep again and the time for medication approaches and sometimes passes again and sometimes we realize that we need to take it. But sometimes, we relive a round two of sorts of what just went through the night prior, even though I know my symptoms will continue to decline.
Mental health medications can be a tough thing to battle. For almost two decades I just complied with what I was told, mainly because I was prompted to do so by those who were in my house and I felt responsible to them to do it. I never veered off course and tried anything. It wasn’t until I became independent until I battled what I have battled. Luckily for the past week and a half, I haven’t missed any doses. It kind of makes me proud, but every night when the opportunity abounds to just pass, it can be so easy to fall into temptation. Nonetheless, by the time it is time to take them, I eventually come to terms that it is more beneficial to take them than not.
Many times, I fear I will not be able to do the things I enjoy, however that is a farce. I have to accept that the medications are a part of my life just as much as the other activities are in my life. It is hard to accept. When I tell my therapist that I have these thoughts, she states that they are like a bad habit and that they can be hard to break, but I must keep pushing myself to fight it. I’ve heard the term “fight it” in my day program before mental health recovery was promoted. This was especially the case when others would be unable to keep awake during the day. That statement from the early days in that old program space resonates with me even today. I must use whatever coping mechanisms necessary to fight the fight so that I can keep being who I am rather than the darker side of me that isn’t healthy for anyone around me.
As for the physical front, it has been a challenge, but that too is a fight. I should be truly grateful for my mother. She tackles the walking bull by the horns and knows that we both need to be on the trail. The Autism Connection of Pennsylvania recently wrote a blog of the importance of having families being together and the benefits that walking, running, etc. provide persons on the spectrum. I, a person who has done this at various intervals for decades know that once I get there and start going, that I will be a happier person that I did it.
This past Sunday for example, we were in the supercenter and ran into a family friend. Through our conversation my mother told them how her with her physical ailments and that she needed to get back into the swing of things again. So as my mother proceeded to take me to my house after our trip out, she stated that she would like to go walking that evening. I was reluctant and continued to do so even as I called her on the way to my house when I thought it was raining and after she told me that it had passed, I let out a derogatory word about her before realizing that I terminated the call. When she picked me up, she asked me to apologize for the comment that I made. I knew I made it, but as with every trip of this nature where I didnt want to go, I was super mad and added more profane words to the apology, hence not making it any better. Eventually as we headed out on the trail, my demeanor got better and we walked over two and a half miles that day, not too shabby for the first time back out after a month or so.
Yes, life as you can see has its rough patches, but you can’t let them get to you. You must fight them and be resilient. It isn’t easy at times and you at times need a good support system that you know has your back and best interest in being well, both mentally and physically. I wouldn’t be where I was if it wasn’t for the people fighting for what is best in my life and I thank them dearly.