This week has been a rough week for me again in the wellness department. It has shown me that no matter how hard you try to work at losing weight, it will not immediately be proven at scale, even if you think it should. When this happens, it can be hard to accept the result of your unsuccessful result and you just want to give up, but you know that you cannot do that because the weight will keep on gaining if you don’t.
Yes, I might have tried and it might have not been easy to accept after putting in the hard work that you thought you did. You may want to show emotions and play the blame game because you tried so hard, yet the result didn’t come in the way that you wanted it to arrive. It can be hard to accept and move on in the present moment, however you know that if you don’t keep trying to work at losing weight, it will be twice as hard to come off by not caring an extra week or two.
This can be said in any goal, really. I can recall many times in my childhood that goals were set in front of me to accomplish and I would try my best at them and because of challenges related to my autism or mental health conditions it would keep me from reaching that goal. When you don’t reach that goal, it can be hard to accept the rough news of not getting or being accepted into something that you tried your hardest at. You want to act childish and go into a temper tantrum because you didn’t get what you wanted. It can be hard to hear bad news or news that you don’t want to hear sometimes. It can be challenging to accept your bad news,but also you must be cordial about it because in the eyes of others, not having grace and being able to accept your fault can be seen as being childish.
Now, I know that losing weight must be a continual thing for me as I am in an unhealthy state right now. I know that I have to keep the work of going to weigh in each week no matter what roadblock or defense mechanism I put up in front of me. This week, I put up the thought that I wouldn’t survive without making my mother miss the meeting to go to the grocery store because it is time to do some shopping. I wanted to throw this as a roadblock from not accepting the fact that I needed to be held accountable to that scale as my mother knows we need to as well.
She doesn’t take no for an answer and my behavior while only in a verbal form, can be very challenging for her and my father to digest. During the time I practice the method of autistic masking to act as a neurotypical so that I don’t look out of sorts. However, in those moments when I am alone with my parents, I let it all out. I let out every negative connotation in my life I THINK I have but in reality I have a pretty good life.I want them to feel bad for me and honestly it is a very cynical way of treating the two I love as if they owe me something for all the years of suffering. I don’t know why I do it, but I know I need to work on it as it is mentally draining on my two top supporters that would do anything at the drop of a hat to meet my needs, yet I want to show them how because I am miserable that they must sulk in it too,
I understand it is a very childish and challenging behavior and it needs to stop. I also realize that I am a 36 year old autistic man that needs to grow up and be more grateful and respectful of the things my parents do for me and see that the things they are doing such as going to events related to me being healthy are to help me rather than hurt me. I can also feel the hurt when I do things on my own to improve my wellness that can make my parents hurtful, because deep down they have concern and want me to lose weight because they know I need to. I know I need to but sometimes fighting the challenging behaviors that I once had when they show their tiny regressions can be difficult to get away from. I can’t talk if I don’t walk the walk and do what is required to be successful and put the plan forth and lose weight. Part of that is being thankful that I have a weight loss support group family and know they can see the positive side of me putting forth the efforts and having the success when I want to.
Anywho, the goal for next Monday is to go to a meeting and be appreciative of being there and my mom taking me and not being negative or to try to set up roadblocks or diversions to get out of it. Yes, I do go to my parents house for dinner afterwards and I need to be appreciative of that too. It may be challenging, but things run smoothly when you count your blessing and are grateful for the things you have in your life.