So, beginning this month, there has been a move by the state government here to increase capacity in facilities so they can serve more people and that has been true even with the services that I receive. It was announced last week that there would be an increase in the capacity of those that they would be serving. This causes me anxiety, not because of the anxiety of getting COVID, as I am fully vaccinated, but because with distancing measures the limits on where we can sit in the facility are a issue because as of now there’s a need for more seats, and by adding the capacity of more people to the facility will make more of a burden on already needed seats.
I ruminated on it for a great deal after it was announced it would be done. The first thing I thought was where I would be sitting and what could I do if my seat, particularly in the computer lab would be occupied throughout the day. I have been in other areas during the day, but it isn’t the same. No, it cannot be used for leisure time, but I don’t use the computer there for leisure, solidly work. I know I can tell people that I need it, but I don’t want to be one of those people.
Its not that I want to be there, I just want to make sure that I am able to get the best services possible and be assured that they can be provided to me without being in an anxious state of mind. I get that the world needs to get to normal, as we have been separated with the help of technology for some time and need that face to face contact. I also understand the need to mask and social distance even as I am fully vaccinated. Uniquely for me, I do not have an issue wearing a mask or keeping my space. I never liked being on top of people because of my heightened sense of smells and sounds of a person that it is one of the good things that have came out of this pandemic.
Change as it is for anyone, is especially hard for me, but once I putter through it, I feel I will be fine. I know that it is good for me to be at the facility and once I am there, I will find something to keep me busy and will be fine with myself to the point it will look as if this whole worrying thing will be just a blimp of air. That’s how it is when I am brought forth with changing situations that are out of my control and cause me anxiety the rumination and anxiety is there for some time and then usually when I start doing something, I seem to be fine like all that rumination and worry was just a waste.
It’s part of the cycle that autistics face about change, we don’t like it, especially when it is sudden and out of control. This is where rumination and anxiety occur and we catastrophize to it basically eats at us until it affects us with severe emotional effects that we can not be in control. Doing things like processing the thoughts with another person or journaling them for yourself are big helpers for me and over the years my adaptation to change has been much better.
I personally don’t think that this change is a real worry for me now that I have had several days to process it. I know that I have to focus on my mental health recovery first and foremost and know my limitations. Yes, things are different due to distancing, and maybe others will be dissatisfied because of certain things, but I have to not feed off of those negative thoughts and build up on the positive ones that I have instead. I need to keep the end goal in mind and work on being a healthy person, emotionally and physically, through thick and thin, I know I need to put on my game face because in the eyes of my peers, I am doing the things that others want. Working, Living Independently and yes blogging and telling my story,
We will overcome!