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To go off the past is tempting, but I am reminded of how it makes me

When evening comes, I realize that it is time to take my pills because I consciously look at that clock because that certain hour is nearing and I know it. A lot of times I think “What if I just skip this one time?” I am ashamed to admit that I’ve done it and while I spend the majority of the evening on a manic high because of my inability to sleep. I am often reminded how others see the ways I act in the coming days and then I know that I must medicate.

As I became more of a man, I continually blamed my parents for forcing me to medicate for decades. I was uncertain, I tried and it didn’t prove well. But, after being back with them last year I would continue to go on escapades where I would go days with out taking certain medicines. This would result in very aggressive behavior with my parents with who I was staying with at the time. I should have followed the regimen because I know I would have been well and would have done fine. However, I was experiencing manias while camouflaging it from them that everything was status quo.

After three and at times five days of not following a medication regimen, my sleeping pattern was way out of balance, I was easily agitated and the mood swings were out of control. When the bouts of aggression would arrive, the therapist would often need to be summoned over the telephone for assistance in diverting the crisis. It would take for her to tell me that I needed to take the phone and self-regulate and one time it took quite a lengthy period to come back that my mother snubbed in and my therapist had to intervene and say she got it under control. Sometimes the therapist is the most underappreciated professional in the village of the autistics mind, but for me when I am in crisis, she is the one I reach out to.

I have reflected over this when I was having sessions few weeks ago, and all we could both say is Thank God she was there or I would not be at the point that I am right now. Getting back on my feet was a chance by fate, it just didn’t happen, things just line up for some reason. For me at those moments at crisis help was summoned in its own very way. So, when that hour comes for me to medicate for the evening why do I get frustrated?

Granted, I do not live with my parents anymore, however they are great supporters of what I do. However, because at a younger time in my life they said I needed medication, I somehow got it in my mind that they made me take it. In reality, I should want to take it because it makes me be a normal person. Medication works in different ways in different people, there is not a one-size fits all approach for medication, it is trial and error. That is why when after five psychiatric hospitalizations my parents put their foot down after being on dozens of medicines within the course of the year, I would have to reside in a Residential Treatment Facility where a psychiatrist would be on staff and I could be leveled out to where I could be able to live with my parents again. While there it didn’t bring out the best result, but the one goal was getting me back home and with my family and being able to be me.

So, why 20 years down the road do I want to contemplate not doing something that has been proven for decades to be a foundation to my overall well-being and mental health recovery. I know I have gained a lot of weight but that is in my court to mend and better by doing and eating better. One has to celebrate milestones for medicating a steady number of doses and be ascertain to not go off the regimen. Because, for me I know that if I only miss one dose, it will mess me up. I know and those around me can also tell a difference without them telling me they know. So, follow those medication regimens.

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