Yesterday, I had an epiphany. While I WANT to adult, I HAVE to put forth the effort to want and need the changes and the responsibilities of being an adult. For the majority of my adulthood, I have shied away from issues in life because they may require me to put my “big boy pants” on and fight them. Oftentimes, for me, anxiety is a big player in the game of adulting that really isn’t a game, because I just revert back to my immature self and refuse to deal with the issues at hand, because I personally know they are going to be unpleasant and scary for me to tackle.
There are many issues, one of them essentially is the betterment of my weight, because it is dangerously high and is a contributor of me feeling negative all the time. Of this and manty issues, I vehemently refuse to take my parents help as sort of a handout or a feel bad sort of thing, although they don’t want to really see me in this condition and are looking out for my best interest. Many times, I refuse to look at situations from the perspective of others and this can have a negative connotation om their perspective on me.
They often reach out to me because they are trying to be cordial because they know I am lonely, often like them and need support. Yet, I let the text go for days at a time because it is convenient and easier to not come across when oftentimes all they need is someone to let them know that they are there for them. In the autistic community, friends are hard to come by and as Forrest Gump says “they aren’t something you just can’t find around the corner.” Yet, I act as if they along with family connections are disposable. They want to connect with me in many cases because they care and value the values I share in life, yet I don’t want to even recognize them reaching out to me
As I am writing this, I am thinking of the autistics out there who struggle constantly with having friendship. Once going through the gamut of schools where having a genuine friend can be so difficult unless with a connectable service like a peer group, which is quite unlikely because of COVID-19, we long for someone to actually care about us and wanting to belong. Yes, it comes with risks, without a doubt it could go sour and one mustn’t downplay the chance of that occurring as it did for me often. It took time for me to discover who I truly want to be, but yet I act in this vacuum like a spoiled little brat because it is easier for me to do that and not think of others.
As an autistic, it is easy to distract yourself and hyper focus on your special interest for a lengthy period of time. When this occurs, all senses of human connection can be lost and those reaching out to you fall out of the horizon of your mind. It did for me this past weekend and I truly regret it. I was focusing on my special interest to the point my cell phone went dead because I just didn’t care and didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t put it on charge until I got up the next day and after that is when I turned it on.
In today’s society, a wireless device is an essential communication tool for many people. It is how you stay in touch with the world yet I was so hyper focused on my special interest that I lost all regard for taking care of this essential need. As a result, the caring of friends and family diminished over the past few days and you will never get that back. While I did give a sincere apology to my friends, some of them said “its okay” because they know that’s how I am at times, but what if they weren’t as understanding at the numerous times, I have left them hanging as a result of my carelessness and unregard for their needs. It is getting better, but we have leaps and bounds to go.
Yes, I know I need to better my health outlook, and sometimes my friends and family tell me to be careful of what I am eating, but I think it’s because they genuinely care about me and don’t want to see me in a shape where I become in a worse condition than I am now. It sometimes is hard for me to realize to look beyond the hurt of the comment or truth and see the caring part of that statement. That is where it falls for many of my hard to tackle things that I feel that it is just easier to avoid. I have to realize that some of those that care about me will not be around to support me for the rest of my life and honestly that has a scary feeling to it, just as the comments that come across as hurtful when they are actually meant to be helpful.
I want friends just as much as any autistic out there that longs for them just as much as I do. However, when I do not take in to account their needs and feelings, it can cause them to turn away and not want to support me. I want to be the person that has true, genuine friends that I can build memories and eventually relationships with and better myself along the way before it’s too late.