Throughout the years of living independently, I learned something important. It took me a long time to realize that when I didn’t take my medications, others noticed. Even though I kept this fact from them, they knew about it. Even though I did not explicitly say it, something about me was different enough to cause concern to others. I neglected to understand this reality. Instead, I saw it as those who supported me ganging up against me. The reality is that they were concerned about me.

The reality was that I couldn’t see the damage I was doing to myself. I was deliberately causing it, yet remained unaware. Deep down I had known what I was doing was not a good thing. Yet, time and time again, I did these destructive things. In the end, they were only harming me. They caused things that eventually harmed me by preventing me from living my life. I also couldn’t see that I was setting myself up on a path. A single thing pushes me to a place. I knew I did not want to be there when I was in my right mind.

Deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong. Yet, a part of me wanted to experience what I thought was normal. It was actually not a healthy part of me. During my first relapse, everything was according to the textbook definitions. What I saw frightened so many people. They were scared of what would happen if I had taken one step in the wrong direction. Slowly that happened and eventually I had to pay the price for what had happened. When I did it the second time, I realized it was a bad thing. Things were even closer on the line. Even though I didn’t think they knew, they knew. They were scared.

In the times after the second relapse, many people in my life had left their positions. I knew I had some latitude when I was not thinking clearly. I was forgiven easily for what I had done. Eventually, new people assumed those roles. They had experience or were more firm than those who had the roles prior. I realized my past actions were inappropriate. They were also unacceptable. I did not want others to witness how I was acting. All of these factors motivated me to make a positive change. I wanted to stop playing the games with my medication.

I made many destructive decisions. I realized how much hurting myself was damaging me in the end. It would only get worse. It reached a point where I ended up in the hospital. I knew the hospital would be a challenging place for me. I would not manage to have the things I was accustomed to having. I had the tools I needed to start well. I just needed to use them. I also had to deal with the side effects and other things I found challenging as they happened. In the end, it was way better. I was no longer under siege time and time again. I did not have to wonder if the crash or concern would happen.