Often my mind is surrounded by negativity. I often think about things that don’t make any sense or are no longer valid. Often these turn out to be echolalia in nature and can be very hard to shake off of me. I can be taught all the tools that I have been given. Still, I must be willing to put what I have learned into practice. This is essential for me to distract myself from being so hard on myself.

Granted, what is now often my echolalia is not brewed on my own. It is residual from many hard years of the past. I am learning to move on slowly from those thoughts. I know that they are no longer valid or exist. I know that there are many things I do to feel good. Others also notice that I am a good person. Still, there are times when I feel down and out about myself. I end up doing things that do not help me. These actions prolong the negative pity party I have for myself. But eventually, I recognize that courage is essential. I must take the necessary steps to apply what I have been taught. This will help me get out of the misery that I am experiencing.

In the past, I wanted to bring others down in my misery. My mother was often my primary target when it came to not me being positive or uplifting about things. In fact I often wanted to bring negative attention to myself that was not very helpful. In fact at times I had become very terrorizing and toxic towards her because I wanted her to feel bad. Deep down I had wanted others to feel bad for reasons that no longer have value. But eventually, I saw that they were often looking out for me and even supported me. I learned to work on setting boundaries. This was with those I struggled with. That helped me become a better person.

I had to learn to shift the narrative from blaming others to being responsible for my behavior. Even though I know that I had to take responsibility for my behavior, I also had to understand my challenges. These challenges did not give me a pass for acting inappropriately towards others. I was seen as the person that I was. When others who greatly valued me saw my inappropriate actions towards others, I vowed to not do that again. I made this promise when in front of them. Eventually, I learned that I had to work on improving my mental health. This included fighting through my own negative self-talk.

Over time, I have improved at eradicating my negative self-talk. It is nearly non-existent around others. It mainly stays with me when I am by myself. It can be hard to focus on what I need to when I have to. But I am slowly getting better at it. As a result, things are improving for me as time evolves.