Sometimes I can be my worst enemy. I can often be self-centered. I am cruel to others when I feel that my needs are not being met. When I feel uncomfortable, I lose my ability to respond properly. My ability to regulate myself disappears. The pressure is on to make myself feel as if I am the victim. At times, others become victims of my misery. I want them to feel bad along with me. However, I am beginning to see that this only causes more tension and makes them feel bad about me.

I often feel selfish because I need to care for myself. I do not connect with others in ways that are considered normal in nature. When I am in the outside world, I often feel I need to discount the reality that I am autistic. I have special needs. So, it can be at times best to care for myself when I need to. When I am somewhere on my own, I know the necessity of being regulated to survive. I understand how important it is to care for myself. It is essential because of the risk of facing consequences.

In those moments, I feel like I have the world in my hands. There is comfort because this feeling is accepted. Those skills go out the window. I only care about myself and try to call attention to what I think should be done. I pursue what I want. I don’t realize that, with time, I will be cared for in the ways I need. It can often take being patient so those that are I am helping can get what they need. I must properly regulate myself. This helps me withstand the things that are hard for me. It requires being the better person and doing what is necessary. As hard as it can be, I must stick it out and do it for the peace of all.

As old as I am, I remember a time when being different seemed strange. Now, being different is more acceptable. It is better than reacting and causing a scene or anguish. I realize I should care for myself in helpful ways, rather than hurting myself and others by acting inappropriately. I have come a long way since my first diagnosis under the autism spectrum. Maybe it is time to see that just as I have changed, the world can change too. The world can accept me more as they need to.

The world can go much better. I can take care of myself. I do not need to worry about being detrimental to others. I know that they do not need my anguish and pain. I produce these feelings. In fact, they do quite the opposite to support me. They help me in many ways. Often, I can only see what I need to do to get what I want. More and more, I am starting to see that I need to work to better control myself. I would do this in the world where I know expectations need to be met. There are consequences for actions that are not appropriate for the environment I am in at any given moment.