Those who have been reading this blog through the years know about my battle. I have struggled with adherence to my psychotropic medication. In fact, I had relapsed twice and went into some pretty bad manic episodes. I had long understood the necessity of being consistent with the SSRI and Mood Stabilizer. I needed to continue this for a very long time. Still, the antipsychotic held me back from being totally adherent. But just over a year ago, I made up my mind. I decided that I was no longer going to play games with my medication. I committed to doing my best to be consistent.

It would take some time to become overwhelmingly well. I began to notice moments when I was not my best self. Having them seen by others and then being documented and told were not the nicest things to digest. But they were the truth. Slowly, I realized the importance of being medicated. I also understood that avoiding actions that worsened my mental health challenges helped me. It influenced how others perceived the damage I was doing.

It was a battle that I was fighting for the near first seven years of living on my own. I fell in love with certain behaviors. They involved neglecting self-care. I did not see the damage I was causing until it was too late. I was scaring people and people I loved were often on the receiving end of how I was acting. I did not want to do the hard part and get back on track until it became necessary. I was dancing to the point of realization. I did not want to feel dishonest with others. I knew it was sinful behavior. I realized I had the potential to make things right before it was too late. I had failed in my mission of living independently.

Many people looked up to me. They saw all the great things that I had accomplished over the years. Even after winning awards, I was unable to see at first all the battles I had won before. I would be thriving in the world if I had just done what was right. I should have taken the chance. I should have done what was right. I should have let things in my brain work for the better.

I had to let go of those old unhealthy behaviors. I realized they were hurting me and not helping. They were making others feel scared for my safety. They wondered if I was going to end up in the hospital or jail. I had to prove them wrong. I did this by doing what I had always known was right. This was taught to me at an early age.

At one point, I despised my parents for what they had done. I now knew that they got me the best help that they. Even when other people fought them, they had my best interest at heart. I realized that by not being my best self, I was contradicting all their efforts. Their help from all those years ago meant everything. They, like many others had only wanted the best for me. I realized that I no longer wanted to continue living the way I was. I decided to get my life on track. I wanted to start living better for myself and everyone around me. I deserved to get my life back and I deserved the best.