As in many autistic people, anxiety is one of those co-occurring conditions that just come with being who I am. In the past, I often let it run my life. I believed it and the thoughts it produced were the truth. I did not understand that it was truly anxiety causing me to avoid or not do things. I have or should have done these things, but I chose to let anxiety rule my life. The more I understand it, the more I see that it is just a part of who I am. I must work hard to fight it and not let it rule me.

Anxiety can be the number one cause of me avoiding things that seem uncomfortable or unfamiliar. There are many unknown factors. These factors do not give me the assurance that what is happening will be just fine. Autistic people often like to know the who, what, when, where, and why of situations. When we do not have this information, I feel a wish to run away. Or when we do not feel like we have control over the experience, I feel the same urge. I worry that something bad is going to happen, even though in many cases it does not.

Sometimes when my anxiety shows itself, it causes me to react to things. These reactions can be unexpected to those around me. I sometimes want to run away. I avoid what I have to deal with. I even have an improper reaction to something because I do not feel comfortable. I want to avoid what I must do to bring what I need to bring to the table.

I am a good person deep down. Sometimes it takes seeing beyond the first impressions. It requires looking past reactions to recognize that I have qualities to bring to the table. The hardest part is taking those first steps to doing something. I need to believe that I can do what is intended to be done. Even if it seems impossible to me at first, I must have faith in my abilities. It can also lead me to make excuses. I ask myself why I am unwilling to take the necessary step to achieve what needs to be done. But once I break the ‘point of no return’ that I set for myself, I am locked in. I can do whatever I put my mind to once I feel comfortable and settled.

In reality, anxiety is something that is experienced nearly every day. There is a part of me that wants to avoid everything. It requires ruling out the things that bother me. These can be too much for me besides the anxiety. Sensory issues or other challenges brought by autism alone can contribute to this feeling. It takes time and a lot of guesswork to understand what we need to do to get where we are. We need to figure out how to fight the anxiety. It is important to do just what needs to be done. We must look through the anxiety to understand that it is just a part of my life.