For the longest time I was angry at some that I had to cross my path often. Even after I established that there was no reason to feel that way towards those individuals, I still had anger. This mainly occurred when I was distressed for some reason. It appeared as delayed echolalia about things that are now non-existent or can no longer happen. Seeing that things can change can be difficult. Yet, I know I have to start letting go of those old feelings. I need to live in the here and now.

The past events are not a reason to stress. They no longer happen in the current. There has always been a reason for my words. I say things like that under distress, often when I am alone. Now I know that it is delayed echolalia. Scripting phrases that I have heard in the past is part of me being autistic. I can understand that is what it is. Still, I don’t really like it. I am trying to flip the script from repeating these phrases.

I know in my heart of hearts that the things I am echoing or scripting about do not happen anymore. Even though they are not an issue themselves, they can be hurtful to my mind. I need to distract myself in whatever way necessary. This helps me regulate from the stress. I feel slightly dysregulated at that moment. Distraction is the key of letting the situation become of a ruminative state and getting out of control.

It can sometimes be hard to get the right tools into play. I struggle to rid my mind of thoughts that are essentially non-existent. These thoughts have been there so long that they’re just stuck. When I think about not wanting to do something, I can actually see it’s a good thing. I realize I will be just fine. But I let the scripting of phrases that were said to others under distress get to me.

Those thoughts or actions are just not true anymore. The hatred that I felt back then is non-existent. Still, in those moments behind closed doors, it can be hard to believe that. As such, it can be hard to hold it together and start to see that I need help. I must focus on distracting myself. It is also important to acknowledge this. I must not harbor hatred towards those I was angry with in the past. They never held those feelings towards me. Like me, they can approach things differently or have made mistakes. They too have worked to improve themselves just as I have done.

In my heart of hearts, I know those feelings aren’t true. When angered and stressed, I often react to things that are no longer true. My anxiety mixes in my brain. It makes life as an autistic person challenging. It is not always easy to bear. But I now know that I must do better to distract myself when these thoughts arise. I also need to work on coping strategies. This way, they do not become ruminative in nature and become more of a distraction than they need to be. As such, they are not as hate-filled as they were in the past. I increasingly understand that they are just a part of what I have to bear.