There is often a saying that goes “Do as I say, not as I do.” That had been my life in the past. This year I have been working in earnest to rid myself of believing that way. For far too long, I was dishonest with many people. I was tired of living a life that was nothing but a struggle. This struggle caused me to live on survival.

I had to also work in earnest in letting go of the demons that were once in my life. I was not living life as I should have been living and instead living in hypocrisy. I eventually discovered that was a life that did not want to live. I had to let go of the feelings I thought I wanted. They were causing me pain. They were making me someone I was not. I had believed things about me that just weren’t true. It all depended on whether I was taking my medication. That determined the person I became.

I discovered something through many times of trial and error. Mostly, I found out through error. Each time I was not taking all of my medications as prescribed, it was hurting me. Even though I was deceitful and dishonest about what I was doing, others seen that I was not myself. I eventually learned no matter how I went about it; it didn’t help me to do what I was doing. I had to learn to be real once and for all and do what I was saying I was doing.

Once I did, things got better for me. I had felt better about myself and freer than what I had ever did before. I had begun to let go of what I was holding onto in my closet. I was fulfilling promises I made to other people. They asked me what I was doing, and in turn, life improved in necessary ways. I had not realized the potential of doing what was right from the start. If I had honored the promises and stayed honest for the right reasons, things would have been different.

I had to let go of the old behaviors that I was having and work towards being a better person. I knew I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to stop living in the dangerous ways. Those ways were scary to me. I just couldn’t see it that way. I had to realize that life is important. Those around me and I are getting older. Part of maturity is adulating and doing what is right. I had to do this even if my mind at that time didn’t want to. I had to decide to live with honesty. Doing as I both said and did was the way I wanted to live.

Deception can be a terrible thing to live by. I finally decided to let it go. I realized that it was continuing to hurt me. It was an effort to get me to go down the wrong path. I had to start making things right. I chose the right path for myself and for those who cared about me for the right reasons. It is why I made up my mind to do as I said that I would do or did.