It was a few months ago when I was out with my mom. It was a hot day. We went to the farmer’s market in town. I was a little agitated about things happening in my life. She had to go to the supercenter. She goes there regularly. I tag along and help her with the packages. In the past I would have been angry and upset for many reasons. But this time, I realized that I had the power to control my behavior.

It took me a long time to understand this concept. It is up to me to control how I act in the outside world. I am autistic and 40, but that should not be any different. I have been taught several skills over the decades. Over the last decade and a half, my mother often received my verbal fury. This included terrorizing, toxic and threatening thoughts towards her.

One day I learned through a text message what I was doing. It begun to start to sit within me that it was not acceptable. I had to learn to express my thoughts to her. I needed to communicate directly instead of lashing out a verbal fury at her. She can recognize when things aren’t ‘normal’ with me. She supports me by being there and saying what she can to help. This was one of those days.

There have been many times in the past several years that I have had meltdowns in the outside world. Getting myself on the right track helped me. I realized I had to be the one to start improving my actions. I had to learn that it was OK to feel certain ways. Still, having meltdowns in public was not appropriate. Over the past several decades the people I knew I was comfortable having meltdowns around became less and less. I had to learn that I had the power. I control what I said. I control what I did in the outside world.

I realized something important. When reacting in the outside world, it is just as hard to get what I want. This difficulty occurs both before and after doing something that can cause a sensory overload. I can always work at making time to calm down after being under a high amount of stress. That is what some of the skills I have been working on the past few years.

I had to learn that just because I don’t get my way, it doesn’t give me an excuse. I can’t have a meltdown because of it. I had to learn that I had to accept things. I needed to keep to my own sometimes. This way, I would not be involved in the negative energy that I would feel or be a part of. I had to accept that I wasn’t the king of it all. I couldn’t get everything that I wanted just because it made me comfortable.

Over the years, I have had many learning experiences. Through these, I have finally concluded that I have the ability to control what I do. I can also control how I act in the outside world. The way that I conduct myself is a reflection of me. When others see me in a dysregulated way, it makes me very uncomfortable. I had to start to let go of the old ways. I learned that I have the power to control my behaviors in the world.