After years of battling with being adherent to my mental health care, I also grappled with my sexual identity. Ultimately, I had reached a decision last year. I found a healthy compromise for where I wanted to be. This also allowed me to keep my mental health. I realized it wasn’t just the medication that defined who I was. It wasn’t about what it did or didn’t do either. It was ultimately about me being happy with who I wanted to be.

I had to learn that there was a fine line. The behavior can become unhealthy and addictive. This happened when I was not taking care of my mental health. It was something that I enjoyed doing but lost a sense of reality. I have since cleared myself of my wrongdoing but also learned that I am perfect just the way I am. That just because I take medication does not make me any less of a person. I can be whoever I want to be. I am not defined by what others want me to be or that I have to be what others are.

I know I am the person that I am for the way that God made me. I wasn’t taking care of my mental health. As a result, I was falling into a black hole. That was not the right way of the world. It was hard to do the right thing. I had to learn to let go of the old ways. They were not helping me. I eventually learned to be the person I wanted to be. I stopped letting others define who I should be. I had accepted the reality that some things were not possible because of my challenges. Caring for my mental health was my priority. It mattered more than feeling the way I used to feel about myself. I had to rid myself of this behavior that I knew that was totally inappropriate.

The medication helped keep those feelings and temptations at bay. I hated it at first. But I began to realize there was much more to expect than just where my sexual identity lay. It was not being where my brain or someone led me to believe where it was. It was where it was healthy and appropriate. I understood that my mental health mattered more than anything else. There was no shame in taking all of my medications as prescribed. They were meant to help me, not hurt me. I knew I had to put my foot down at this old unhealthy behavior. I needed to find a healthy compromise with it instead.

It hurt me to rid myself of the old ways of thinking. I knew that this and the other ways I was acting were hurting me more than anything else. I had to accept things for what they were. I needed to start to let go of everything that I was doing when I was unwell. Even though it was pleasurable in its own way, it was for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get on the right side of the world in my own way.

I am still in the aromatic asexual identity I found over a year ago. It is now more firmly rooted for the right reasons. I know I have to take care of my mental health. It is my first priority. But being happy with myself is also equally important. I had to let go of what I had long fantasized about. Deep down, I know that was not a reality. I have to move on being my best self.