A few months ago, I was scrolling through Facebook as usual. I came across a post by a beloved content creator. They were explaining what traits of emotional abuse are. When I saw some of the traits, I heavily related to what I did at times. I had felt certain ways towards not having control of a situation. I wanted the person who was abusive to fix it.

Through it, I realized that I was emotionally abusive many times in the past. In my worst moments, I would lash out at others verbally. I did this when I felt I can get away with things. My mother was a primary target during a period when she did not need my terrorizing behavior. She did not need my threatening and toxic actions. Most of my life, I acted that way to show I needed her. I needed her to make my life what it was. Though things changed this year, I began to take care of myself more and untether from her more and more.

Looking back, I realized that being emotionally abusive was a narcissistic trait. It was a way to get what I needed to feel comfortable. I sought comfort without doing what I needed to do on my own. Over the past several years, I had to learn what my role was in any given situation. I also had to realize my purpose for being there.

I also had to learn to accept direction from those who were authorized to give it to me. Nothing would be solved by me being emotionally abusive towards them. In fact there was the potential of me being disciplined, something that I have been lucky to avoid. It was learning that I had to take responsibility for my actions. Part of that was learning that I being emotionally abusive to get my way to feel comfortable was unacceptable. It was up to me to find healthier ways to cope with my discomfort.

Having the ability to define what forms emotional abuse was enlightening. Just seeing the word abuse made me realize how inappropriate it was. I had already started to stop doing it when the traits were explained to me. When it was named as a type of abuse, it sunk in deeper. I recognized that this was not appropriate behavior to be displaying to anyone, regardless of who they were.

Before, I was unsure of who I never act this way towards. I saw it for what it was. This realization made me understand that it had to be a full stop no matter what. I wouldn’t want anyone to treat me that way so why should I treat them like that? I began to find ways to let go of what I was feeling. I decided to stand in my own emotions. I worked on them on my own.

Learning from my past helps me let go of old habits. I am working on developing new healthy habits for managing my emotions and behavior. This ensures my behavior does not evolve into something inappropriate. I want to avoid behaviors that set me back to an unwanted point. I have to learn to let go of what was and work on building a better life.