A few months ago, I had asked a professional whether I have changed over the past few years. Their response was that I have in many ways. One of the biggest changes I personally feel was that I stopped needing to be emotionally abusive. I also became less narcissistic towards others during my anxiety flare-ups. I learned how to focus just on myself during my anxious moments. I stopped calling others out by terrorizing them with threatening and toxic behavior.

I needed to stop this very toxic behavior for a major reason. I didn’t have many understanding people in the past. I also didn’t have as much grace given to me as I had in the past. I also learned that the behavior I experienced was not just fueled by my own being. I had to realize the culprit for why it was fueled. I had to work on myself as well. I know that I no longer have people that are going to save me like they did in the past.

I knew I needed to stop doing what I was doing. It was fueled by what I had not promised to do. People told me how crucial it was to adhere to my medication. I often defied the odds. Then when wanting to support those who wanted my support only to be doing the opposite felt rather hypocritical. I realized I had to align myself with my goals. I needed to make sure I was on the right path once and for all.

Through the experience of others, I have the privilege of seeing the benefits of taking care of your mental health. I also see what can happen if you don’t. Understanding that it is more beneficial to take care of yourself helped me get through those hard times. I often wanted to do things my way. But I discovered that what I was doing was not only pointless. It was also destructive. Everyone saw when I was that way. They were scared of me. I put myself on the line. Everyone around me was at risk because I was not caring for myself.

I knew that things always have the potential to be changed all of a sudden. Things are also not the way they used to be. It made me realize something important. I had to stop the old behavior concerning people and things. I also had to change my beliefs about them. Things were what they were. I had to start to accept that I do not have control over things for my comfort. But things like medication help me in regulating myself. Working on healthy coping skills to navigate a challenging situation has helped too. But terrorizing people by emotionally abusing them for things that are at times out of their control solves nothing.

I had to learn to put that bad energy that I had held from long ago. Much of it was in the past and there was no reason to hold it in me anymore. I acted that way because things were different. They aren’t that way anymore. I have learned that I have to live my own life, know my role and follow orders when directed. There are expectations that need to be met in the world. There isn’t room for narcissistic behavior to worsen things. I need to be the shining example I can be. I want my peers to see me as others know I can be. Not the old ways that everyone in the past is just used to. I can do things if I put my mind to it.