Over the past few days, I have been explaining how I finally understood something crucial. I realized the importance of becoming totally medication adherent. What I also need to explain is how that came to be. I need to share how I understood how important it was to do so.

I realized there are detrimental consequences. I will lose my job or my independence. This would happen if I continued down the path described as pointless and destructive. I had been battling this battle for nearly seven years. Finally, I realized that no one would be willing to give me the grace they once did in the past. Those who were willing were nonexistent. Others were not available to help. That was scary in its own way.

There were new rules for where I live, especially those surrounding quiet hours. Being a rule follower, I knew they had to be followed because that is the person that I am. They made me realize how it can put me at risk of not having a home. As a result, I understood once and for all that I had to make a change for the better. I knew from watching YouTube videos of clips about people battling med adherence. These clips were from shows like Shameless and Law & Order: SVU. I realized that it was going to be hard in the first few weeks. I had to be kind to myself in the process. I needed to give myself grace when doing so.

It involved making the bed. I had to be OK with having to nap when I felt tired or frustrated. I also needed to fight through the drowsiness in the morning. It took knowing that once I got started things would get better in time. Eventually activities around cleaning and getting other household chores became easier. There was also an understanding that changes like a changed schedule and routine bumps would happen occasionally. Thus, adaptation would become necessary.

Those early days were tough. I knew that I had to be kind to myself. I also had to trust the process that I was going through. It meant sticking it out on those days when I wanted to give up. I had to watch those clips on YouTube whenever I needed inspiration. They helped me resist giving in to old behaviors. I knew that I had to make a change. By being patient during the hardest parts of the change, things would get better over time.

I couldn’t run away from the things that I needed to do. I had to be patient with myself in those processes too. I knew that there would be early mornings that would need me to have earlier bedtimes. This was a reality that I used to not like. Now I know they are a necessity, no matter how difficult they be. I also needed to change my habit of showering at night. This habit had the advantage of helping me sleep better. I knew I needed this improvement.

Things eventually got better as time went on. I now understand fully and completely the dangers of not taking my medication. There were new rules that enforced quiet hours. I knew that I had to follow them. I am a rule follower. That is a part of being autistic. It is the one beneficial flaw in this. It also shows the understanding of being medication adherent. The benefits of doing so are now clear more than ever. I eventually knew I had to do it once and for all and was glad that I did.