I did not care for my mental illness over the past few years. This neglect made me struggle to understand the necessity of sleep. I struggled with how it related to day and night. For about six or more years, I accepted multiple times that I was mentally unwell. Before understanding the need for medicine, I had very little need for sleep. It was a primary symptom of bipolar disorder. For decades, I did not want to admit that I had it.

About two years ago, that became a reality. I had a mental health relapse and started to get back on track. There was a false reality over the next year. I believed that all medications were needed, especially one that helped me sleep at night. Autistic people struggle with sleep. I was no exception. Yet, with co-occurring mental health challenges, the need for sleep was non-existent. Through a series of events, I learned the necessity of sleep. It was important for my well-being. I also needed to adhere to all mental health medications.

I did not realize for the longest time that my actions were pointless. They were destructive not only to me but also to those who loved and cared for me. It took seeing those words, among other things, to get myself into gear. I had to sleep every night by taking the medication. I struggled with it for nearly seven years, but I knew it was helping me and not hurting me.

There were also times when sleeping would be needed to be done earlier because I had to get up early. While that too was a struggle, it was just a new routine that I had to accept what it was. It had seemed unfair for so many years. It felt like others ‘won’ my fight. In the end, I realized I was not the only one who had to sleep this way. Even day service staff had to practice this way of sleeping too.

In the end, I cringe when I look at all the things I did when I was unwell. The many up-all-nights I experienced also make me cringe at the way I had acted. I realized I can’t continue or face some pretty detrimental consequences. Out of necessity and not want, I had to give into the medicine once and for all. The reality is life isn’t fair. Even though an autistic person like me can have a million brilliant ideas, I too need my sleep. I need to be well rested to navigate the challenging world that is often not made for me. Medication helps me do that, among many other things. It makes the difference between night and day, literally.

Life is so much better when I take my medicine. At times, having to go to sleep at a certain hour can seem like a punishment. In the end, it is needed because of what I must navigate in life. Needs vary from person to person. For me, some things just have to be. I have had to find out what works for me because it works for me.