Throughout my life I have always known that I was different from everyone else. I had gone to a special school for pre-kindergarten. While there were years that I was mainstreamed, I faced many challenging moments. These moments were not that of the typical child. I had taken medication from an early age. After running the diagnostic acronymic alphabet, I landed on the autism spectrum in my teens. I had always known that I was different.

There have been times when I felt unworthy of living. I struggled with the hand that I was dealt. I wanted to give up so many times. Even when things were frustrating for me, my thoughts became passive. I was so frustrated with things being the way they were. I needed the right combination of services, supplements, and professionals. They guided me in the right direction.

I had always known from my early days at high school that I wanted to go to college. At first, I pursued vocational training. When that was an immediate transition, day services in the pre-vocational realm were established. I have been employed at various places and times since I was 18. I have had a supportive employer and supports for over 15 years. Being at day services all my life, there were times when I wanted to leave. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for doing so. I needed to understand that they are always there for me. Even today, I still need them as I am now just beginning to get stable in my independence.

Independence wasn’t always in the cards for me either. My parents always encouraged me to be independent. On two earlier occasions, I attempted to move out on my own. I couldn’t take care of things, and the right mix wasn’t there, which didn’t help the situation. I realized that people age. I had to consider the long-term perspective. Things even get better as a result of me being independent.

Most of the past years have been challenging. This was mostly because I couldn’t accept the diagnoses. I thought they were not true and believed I was initially well. I went through six long years of agony. These included challenging mental health struggles and two bad relapses. It took that time to understand there is no shame in having personal struggles with my mental health. Caring for it is no different than caring for my physical health.

I navigated a challenging period, including a global pandemic known as COVID-19. I closed the door on my first apartment. Despite having no support, I secured my current apartment nearly five years ago. I am grateful for it each morning when my feet hit the floor. There were struggles in those years. Yet, I eventually got the hang of how my life now is. I am in a much better frame of mind.

Over the course of the past few years, there have been many changes in my life. These changes have reaffirmed the need to care for myself, especially my mental health. Being autistic presents many challenges. I have handled things surprisingly well as time has progressed. I understand that nothing in life is ever certain. So, tools are given, and things are put into place to secure the best quality of life possible for me.

Additionally, over the four decades of my life, I have done so many things. They are too many to list. Eventually, I have come to realize something important. While I am different, it does not mean that I am broken. It also does not mean I am less than what the rest of the world. I am thriving instead of surviving. I am making the best of my life given the hand that I am dealt. I love myself as much as I can in the process.