For any that follows my platform that doesn’t know, I experience crushing anxiety that often co-occurs with my being autistic. My pattern is often of wanting to flee from experiences that produce extra anxiety. It is often difficult to understand when I don’t want to do something. I struggle to know if it’s my anxiety keeping me away or just a part of being fatigued. As time goes on, I am slowly defining what it is and working to combat the issues.

Many times, I realize that fear arises from not knowing or controlling a situation. This fear produces adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones build up and make me overthink. As a result, I avoid situations that seem unfamiliar or uncomfortable to me. Before I have to do something, I think of any reason to run away from it. I find the situation unbearable, even if I know part of what to expect.

It is frightening, but I use proper techniques to regulate myself. This helps me make it through what I have to go through. Nonetheless, I always want to avoid what seems scary to me. I allow it to play in my head. I can’t let go of the fear I am experiencing. It can sometimes get overwhelming. I feel guilty when I shut down or can only talk to those closest to me.

There has always been a push in my life. I must follow through with my engagements. Things do happen. It can seem like the thing I must do. Still, it is something I have to avoid. This is even if it is necessary to pay the bills. I often feel judged because I avoid something. I know it is too much for me. The expectation is exceedingly high, as it seems to be. I feel pressured to act as a neurotypical person. This is just because that is what society expects. It applies even if it is at a reduced load.

Sometimes too much is too much. There has to be a limit to what I do. This is necessary to be the best person that I can be. There are also moments where I feel that taking time for myself can seem like a failure. Sometimes, something happens to crash it even worse. Even though I am taking care of myself, it feels challenging. I know that there are expectations that need to be met. There are voids to be filled in the mind. But there are also times when you feel you are not the person who can control your emotions.

It takes working through the anxiety and the emotions and eventually doing what you know is best for you. You have to judge how you can control your emotions in any given moment. Make sure you know what is expected and needed to be understood. It is wise to not rush to judgment. See how things go for a while. Know the pros and cons of doing what you want to do. Take care of yourself in the process. Understand how well you manage your anxiety in the grand scheme of things.