Being autistic, we often think about many things before we say it. Sometimes we just say what is on our mind without any filter. But what about those things we think about ourselves? Are the words that we think about ourselves really true? Do we really know what they mean? And if so, is that really what we are? Sometimes we need to investigate. We must find out if what we are thinking about ourselves is really true.

One word that has been popping around in my vocabulary was that I was worthless. I was once told that in a not clearly thought-out way while growing up. It became something I revisited in my mind when I had the freedom to think. But what did really think was true? Did I know what that really meant?

So, I conducted a basic web search of the word worthless. I discovered that I was not any of those things described in the definition. I realized that the word was just told to me. Instead of expressing what I was really feeling, I was just frustrated with the ways of the world. Maybe I needed to have some need met.

Later, discovering indeed I did need to hydrate myself, I started to feel a little better. I often thought about words and statements about myself. Sometimes, out of frustration, I would share them with those who understood I was just being myself. I was feeling frustrated and couldn’t express my feelings the way I needed to.

Deep down, I knew my qualities were not accurately reflected by passive thoughts. I have many qualities that are quite amazing. When I experience challenging things, it’s hard to see these qualities. This is because of what I am feeling at the current moment. Often, all I think about is voiding myself of the pain. My experience is unpleasant. I want the experience to be over. The only way I consider escaping it is by drawing attention to myself. I do this by thinking the worst possible statements which are absolutely not true.

I know that saying some of these statements would draw attention to my safety and well-being. Even though they are said in a passive manner, they still tug at the heartstrings. I know that acting on those emotions be quite consequential. They are just what I am feeling. I do not totally comprehend that what I am saying is meant on a whole scale.

Quite frankly, our words matter. What we think matters. What we say matters, no matter who or what it is. There are people who care. I know I must stop saying hurtful things to everyone. This includes those that care and love for me the most. They are the ones who do so much for me. When I am not in my best mind, it can be hard to see that. I know that I must do better. The journey to improvement is not a straight line, but it does get better over time.

Our words matter.