One year ago today, I had to realize that I was in a position I didn’t want to be in again. My mental health was again taking a step into the decline, and I was not making the soundest of decisions. I wanted to pull away from necessary supports at a time when there was so much uncertainty in my life. There was so much going on in my life. An upcoming conference, a change in supervisors, my father becoming profusely ill in the county home, me not making sound decisions and it was beginning to crash, yet I did not believe it. It took listening to someone that I trusted to begin to make sound decisions and get back on the right track.

This was not my first time in this arena. I had been struggling with the reality of having antipsychotics for some time. I was angry at the things that they were doing to me over the course of several decades, although I was reassured that I was fine just the way that I was, I couldn’t see that. I was frustrated again with myself, and I wasn’t thinking in the right mindset.

All I could see was what I couldn’t do instead of the qualities. And even though it would take some time from this point to discover that what I had believed wasn’t true just took a little more effort and patience, it eventually paid off that I discovered the way on the right path as it helped me ease into what life would be like for me in the present moment as things would be grounded more with my parents’ situation. Finally, I made the decision to start to have some stability.

As I had to realize that I had to stay with day service, something I still to this day value as a great support for me, I started the work on what I needed to do to get my mental health on the right track. As my father’s situation was at first very fluid then it became stagnant for some time before he came home a few months ago which resulted in me having to become more independent and untethered from my mother. There were also other factors that contributed to the necessity of my medications being an absolute necessity including the absence of a preferred staff at day service that has always been able to be able to deescalate me in challenging situations along with many other factors that made me see the dangers of what I was doing.

I also realized that if I wanted to have better results to my body and appearance, then it was up to me to do it. I started my making small changes and a few weeks ago, I started with stepping out of my comfort zone and back into ways that worked at combatting the side effects of my antipsychotic medications, in time becoming a more grounded and better feeling person both mentally and physically. It took time, and I had to be patient with myself, giving myself grace in the process and not letting the hard days win. Sometimes it was one day and sometimes it was getting through what I was thinking, but I did it and it was the best thing I could do for myself.