It can be hard to be confident with who I am at times. There is a part of me that always feels that I am less than or that I will never amount to anything just because of my challenges. Even though I know that they don’t define who I am, and I need to see past them, there are times when I feel less than who I am because I am not as productive as I need to be at times.

It has been a long road that I have on, and I have matured so greatly over the past several decades doing things by leaps and bounds when even I myself was very doubtful of them happening because of being fearful of something bad happening when deep down I knew it wouldn’t. It was being patient with myself and giving myself grace when it was needed to fall into line when I had to in order to  be my best self when it was needed.

Sometimes being confident is having to masks autistically or posing as a neurotypical person so I can be confident with the person that I am, despite the flaws I have. When these flaws appear, I can be discouraged at who I am and want to wallow in self-pity about how horrible my life is when at all it is not. It can be hard when you are left to your own thinking, and the mind goes awry thinking many thoughts that just aren’t true.

I know deep down I am a good person and can be a good person when I need to be. There are those times when I want to be down and out on myself because I want those close to me to feel one way or another about me and give me the attention that I think I should have when in fact I need to focus on how to divert myself to the goodness in my heart instead of always calling myself to attention for what I think is wrong when in fact it is not. I am amazing to so many people for the work I do in the world and that is not glorifying the fact, because people would not follow me if that was not the case.

I know that I am making such a difference in so many people’s lives but there are times when I am not able to realize that and as such it goes to the point where I want others to feel sorry about myself because of seeing all the challenges rather than the good things that are in my life. There would be so much good attention given to me if I allowed myself to see more of the good things which in turn would make me feel more confident about myself.

I know that this is not an overnight process and it takes time for me to understand that I am making a difference in so many lives and that I need to continue to have the confidence in myself more often than what I have and put an end to the negative behavior that I experience from time to time and rather vent to those that I can trust instead of making such hurtful statements as I did in the past. Within time, I will make improvements for the better, I just need to be patient.