Over the years, I have had a hard time putting together the pieces of being OK when knowing when things are going to be too much and that I have to give myself a little bit more TLC (Tender Loving Care) than normal. There can be a sense of guilt when it comes to taking a day off of day services or work in order to make sure that my needs are met and that I am refreshed and ready to do what I need to do. But in the end, I know that it is not good to have guilt about what I am feeling that I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself.

There is an abnormal amount of guilt about doing what I want to do for far too long others dictated what I did on a daily basis and now that I live on my own I can still have difficulty in determining what is justifiable to take time off for my own personal care rather than to do what has always been known to be done because I feel guilty as if I am going to get in some sort of trouble for doing something that I want to do even though I am an autistic adult and can make sound decisions, even though there is a huge sense of doubt in my brain about doing things that I want to do because others may not like it.

I have long realized that things can be too much for me but in the same vein there has always been a sense of when I did take the time off for caring for myself that something bad could happen as has happened in 2020 when I wanted to take time off and then it was discovered that my apartment at the time became inhabitable. Then the COVID lockdowns hit, and it was horrific being back with my family when because of the lockdowns were under the same roof for a majority of the time, but things were different and things as far as going to work, and day services continually were never in the way that they were after the lockdowns.

To some extent I have cut back my load and to some extent it has been filled with familial commitments and that has been burdensome to some extent. But I am learning more about saying no to some things and not wanting to do things that are as stressful to me because I am aware of what they are and how they will affect me overall. I know there are days when I do need a little more attention to my personal needs, and I have to start to understand that it is OK to take the time to unwind from the challenging situations that are in my way.

Sometimes, I don’t realize how challenging things are until it is too late and then I have to follow through with other commitments and eventually I spiral down when it becomes too late and the return from the damage that I have done has been too much and I eventually have to do what is necessary whether I like it or not. I have to realize that it is OK to take care of me and not continually worry about what other people think about my taking care of myself because they do not live in my situation and do not know what I experience continuously. It is only for me to judge and not for others to make judgment.