As I nearly close the fourth decade of living, I sometimes do not realize all the things that I have been able to do despite my challenges. Even though I have been able to do them it does not mean that the end is near as far as it comes to doing more things. Oftentimes, my anxiety plays as a barrier from me doing things that are new or challenging than what I have become accustomed to because what I am doing makes me feel comfortable as it does with many autistic people.

But the potential is there and because when skills were obtained however I shelved them out of many other reasons and priorities, I can be hesitant to want to go work at doing things I know that I can do because my anxiety holds me back fearing the worst possible scenario occurring even though it is very unlikely that it would occur. I fear the worst possible scenario because of the buildup of adrenaline and cortisol that is partly because of being autistic and this is how life is.

There have been so many things that I have done willingly on my own just because I knew I could. It can be hard to have that confidence and stamina sometimes because of fearing the worst could happen. There has been many times when I didn’t follow through with things out of fear but eventually things happened in a way that they did and while they were not perfect, they resolved themselves.

But then there are the things that have brought me the things I never thought would happen. I went to vocational training and graduated without any incidents at the school, which is something that many thoughts would never happen. There were so many hurdles to jump through for being away from home for the first time, but along with my mother’s stern advocacy, I was able to get in the door and prove them wrong, even have one of the best experiences that I will never take for granted.

Then there was the time that I just took it upon myself to go to Community College, making all efforts to do so on my own without any support whatsoever. I excelled at my coursework and was awarded well for the efforts that I put forth in getting my associate’s degree. It wasn’t easy sometimes and there was hurdles, but I got through the challenges that were set forth and I came out ahead.

As I set out to do the next things in my life, I know that I have to fight the anxiety that appears to be in my headspace. It is just provoking fear and unwanted thoughts when I have proven in many other situations that I can do what I can set my mind to. It may be challenging and there may be a desire to give up, but I must keep going because I know that I need to do more in my life. I am not a quitter and am determined to go after my dreams.