Many years ago, I accepted the fact that I am autistic, and that the world is different for me. While there has been many things that I have been able to do in the span of nearly four decades, there are still the struggles and challenges that come with being autistic. Those thoughts at times can put me down and want to avoid seeing what the future looks like, but I also know that is not a way to look at life and I must continue to move forward with my life.

There are things in my life I want, but often I don’t want to think about the possibility of them happening because for one they make me anxious or being able to deal with something that can be unknown to me. I know that others want things for me that I don’t believe that I should have like friends or even a relationship, and while I know that I deserve those things, I feel like being autistic puts a halt on the game many times from doing things that I know I want to do because I am in denial that it can be a good thing.

Lately, I have begun to see more of what reality is for me as life goes on. Like many parents of autistic people, mine have become senior citizens and their ability to do the things that we used to do as a family has lessened. This has become truer as my father had his debilitating injury last spring. It has caused me to put my life aside along with become more independent as an autistic person at times because of my mother’s attention to care for my father. It has also required me to step up and spend more time with my father in the care of my father, being there for her and guiding her as she is navigating life, being the listening ear that she needs to have as she navigates life as it is today.

All things aside, the past year has made me take a deeper dive at what the future looks like. It in all honesty can look very lonely and sad. This I would say would be one of the huge challenges that I face as an autistic person. I just want to belong in a world that somehow operates in a way that is not conducive for me or has many things against me. I am pretty intelligent and have the world going for me in many ways, but there are times when things get in the way that make life being independent as an autistic person pretty sad and diminishing. I know that I need to do more work at bettering myself and making more improvements at breaking the barriers that I often set by myself believing that I cannot do this or that or thinking that I can only do things if they are a certain way.

I often want to be a part of a life that I do not otherwise get to believe that I can because anxiety holds me back from seeing as difficult as it can be at first, eventually I become accustomed to things and things will eventually get better if I do take that chance. I am one to often push things away when I am driven by fear, and I realize that I have to work at that, but it is the autism many times that makes me want to stay with what feels like comfort to me. There is reality of things that I want to do and if I got all my things together for once maybe things wouldn’t be so darn hard. I know I can if I put my mind to it, without autism getting in the way so much.