Today in the world is Valentine’s Day. For me, it is more about love, but not in the sweetheart form or going on what can be perceived as a “date.” Instead, it is about loving those close to me and realizing that someday there may be potential for me to find the right person that will be compatible to my needs.

For most of my life, I hated the fact of what traditional love is because it is a lot of things like kisses, touch and other forms of contact that make me uncomfortable and repulsed. It is not the fact that I don’t have feelings for others, it is just the fact that the majority of the world sees dating and relationships as something that is more about things that are different for autistic people, of which I am no exception.

Then there are societal and familial expectations where there is a belief that by having some sort of close connection, it will bond us together. While to some degree, it can, but I personally feel that it must be on my terms. There was a long time when I believed that connecting with someone on a personal level meant that it had to be a very intimate relationship, something that in part has made me anxious and uncomfortable.

Society also makes us believe that relationships is all about sex. Quite frankly, I am really repulsed in many ways about it. I had to discover the fact that it is just the fear of connecting with others is what makes me anxious and there a lot of people that think about sex, but I just can’t stand it.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want connection. It is just breaking down those barriers that my brain wants to perceive and looking past the stereotype that everything in a relationship is all about sex. There can be many other parameters and levels of a relationship or just plainly having friends that can be achieved  without instantly thinking about sexual contact.

When thinking about connecting with others on a more personal level, I would often deflect with many excuses like I am not a good communicator or many other things that are stereotypical of autistic people that I have overcome or thinking to the extreme without taking things simple at first or understanding that it is just my anxiety talking and I need to move past what it is letting me want to believe or avoid and work towards making the connections that can be healthy.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is about love, but it is not always about dating or relationships or even taking them to extreme levels of intimacy. It is about those you love by caring for them by being there for them when you need to be. I am optimistic that I will make connections in the future because I am willing to not let my anxiety and fear get in the way and work myself to seeing  that there is hope for me beyond where I currently am in life. Everyone has potential and I will get there, I just need to be patient and willing.