Throughout life, there has always been a disconnect between believing that things are going to happen even though I can confirm that they are. There is always a part of me that wants to believe that something bad is going to happen like I am going to be left behind somewhere or that I may have done something to contradict what I intend to do. I am constantly second-guessing myself as to whether I did something or not or whether it is going to happen.

Being like this is quite exhausting, I feel like I need reassurance, but at the same time I feel like I am being a nuisance to those that I seek reassurance from even though they believe that I should understand that things are going to go as planned. There is always this continual doubt that something is going to go wrong with the process of how something is going to happen, even though it has never happened to me.

That is why I, like many autistic people, can be so resistant to change, especially when it involves some doubt of uncertainty. Even though I am assured that things are in place, even if I do take the extra steps to make sure they happen as they plan, when something is changed, there is a window of doubt if things are still going to go according to plan. I have been one for the longest part of my life that feared being left behind or things not happening according to the plan that I intend for myself. Even after I adapt to what happens, there is that continuous window of doubt that is there because I constantly second-guess if something in the trusted process goes wrong, even if I did not intend it.

There have been a lot of changes in the past year and one of the biggest that happened almost had me going into a regressive state, but I gave it a chance, partly because I knew other people before me that had similar worries experienced the similarities that I still experience today. Even though I know deep down that things are OK, there is still that shade of doubt that blossoms in my mind that thinks something is going to happen where I am stranded, even though I know that will not happen.

Part of the reality is that my mind constantly generates scripts or what is known as “echolalia” about things in the past that I believe that should happen in the present moment, even though I know that I never will or is possible anymore. It is in those moments that I am unable to see that things are better than the way that they were. Even though I was led to believe things, they were not accurate and even though I say them, they are not true and now as of the present moment, they are no longer valid. I just wish that I could stop thinking those things because I know deep down, they are no longer true, they hurt my relationships with those that others had struggles with, and it has taken me an extensive time to rebuild that trust that was forever lost because I was led to believe things about people that were absolutely false. It was as if they had made them to be a monster but when I connected with them that was not the case. However, I was led more often to believe the falsehoods that I was told because I was unable to believe things differently because I did not give them a chance.

The reality is that we all have thoughts, but what I had experienced for an extended period was so much of a deep hatred, that I was led to believe if some people said that the sky was blue, I would not believe them. One thing about autistic people is that they have difficulty in understanding social norms and what is true versus what is not, without being able to see the whole picture behind the situation.

Part of my life is letting go of those hurtful years when I was not my best, it was the culprit of my meltdowns because I was led to believe that I was unsecure. As I am working to ensure more each day that things are solidly in place, it is my best hope that things get better for me as I learn, develop, and grow from my mistakes.