In my sole time alone, I live in a constant battle of scripts and ruminative thoughts. Scripts are technically known as echolalia where select phrases are constantly stuck in my head and I feel the need to repeat them over and over. Ruminative thoughts are where I constantly worry about things that I cannot control many times. Even though I feel as if they are no longer valid to me or that I can change them, they are a part of my brain that I oftentimes wish would go away.

They thoughts are those that are for the most part are no longer valid and even though life is better for me without them being in my life, I somehow feel as if I want others behind the way that these thoughts are developed to feel some sort of revenge of pain for the way that I  am thinking about them, even though I know it cannot happen or that it will not change anything.

I think these thoughts at times because it can be hard to get a grasp on reality and understand that there is a part that I need to understand that while the scripts and ruminative thoughts that I am experiencing are in the past, I need to be able to close those doors that were once part of the past and allow myself to move forward with the way that things are now. It may be being able to rid myself of those useless and invalid thoughts that are no longer within my control in a healthier way than what I do now. But, they constantly appear even though nothing can be done about them and as much as I want to change them, it can be very difficult to do when there is difficulty in finding the void that I need to get away from the scripts and the ruminating thoughts that I am experiencing.

It is if I am not in a dangerous situation or state. It is just that at times I allow myself to get too invested in the scripts and ruminative thoughts to where it can get outside of my internal scope and be transpired to loved ones. Sometimes things frustrate me to the point where it can be hard to transmit the negative energy that I am experiencing in a healthy manner that is not hurtful to anyone.

I have been working on coping skills for some time, focusing on ones that are helpful to me while working at trying new ones. It is a  challenging process that can be overwhelming and misunderstanding at the same time. There are appropriate ones for appropriate times that make things more challenging to withstand and get through when you are not able to cope with things in the way that you would like to.

It is a constant battle that I wish would not be a part of my life. It mostly involves situations that are no longer valid and have moved in a different direction and although there is a part of me that wants things to be I think they should be, in reality they are better the way that they are now and I have been working on being able to see that in a better light than what I once did. It is still a process that I ever so challenging but it is a continuous fight that I have to have occasionally. It hurts me when I must have that fight because I know it is useless, but it is a part of the autism and the past trauma that I have experienced. To say that I have overcome the struggle is nothing short of a miracle

In the end, it is up to me to continue to work at fighting the battles in my head and as hard as the scripting and ruminating thoughts can be at times, it is continual work in progress that I should be proud of when I overcome the obstacles in my path that are ever so burdensome. Deep down, I know I have the power to overcome the struggles that I face in my path