Throughout my life, there have been times when I have been dysregulated. They have not been my best times. I have taken my anger and frustration out on many occasions at times when it was not appropriate. It drew the attention and stares of many. It is something that I was never proud of until I realized that other autistic people experience it in their own ways. But what I have found more important is being able to regulate myself at moments where there is a desire to want to match the energy in the room.

Throughout life, I have wanted to get what I have wanted because it felt comfortable to me. When things became tense when there was a great deal of uncertainty is when I would often become dysregulated and react negatively without thinking of my surroundings. What I could not notice is that others were witnessing my reactions to whoever I was interacting with  at the time. I did not realize until last year that when I was dysregulated in the parking lot of the local supercenter when other people were staring at me and making disparaging comments at the way that I was acting that I had to do better.

Now, this has been the case before. Others that look up to me have seen me react negatively and though I now know that there are many reasons for that, it does not excuse the way that I acted. But to have a common person say something that was hurtful was the worst thing that could happen to me and therefore I knew that I needed to do better at being regulated, especially in public because I had to realize that others do see how I act. I acted in a very dysregulated way several decades ago and have come leaps and bounds to get where I know how to interact with others in public, that there are consequences to negative behavior and that there could be the wrong thing that could happen that could have severe consequences that cannot be resolved.

As an autistic person, it often takes a lot to get out and go somewhere and we may not totally understand the scenario that we are in. We may not see that others are in line ahead of us or have the tolerance to withstand things that bother our ability to stay regulated, especially in this holiday season. However, one thing I realized is that the holiday season does not disappear, and I must make the best of it, regardless of what is happening. It can be hard because there is a great change to the routines that we have come to expect, sometimes things are longer than normal and it can be hard to stay regulated, but in the end it is important to always remember that others are in sight of you and by reacting negatively will only draw attention to yourself and could be consequential if the right preceptors could take place. This time of year, it can be hard, but you must come out stronger and be the person that you know that you can be.