Recently, I had a review of my goals at day service. I was soon able to discover that I needed to have more consistency when it comes to being more adherent to my wellness and meditation regimens so I can see how much better of a person I can be.

We are human and we struggle, but for me not being able to be consistent does a disservice to those around me and my own well-being. I know I can do anything when I know the rationale behind doing it. There are times when I have had mishaps in the adherence to the necessary regimens of life and when I have it has shown. I know that part of me going to day service, working on the plans, and doing the work is putting the work to action and showing that there is consistency in what I need to do to stay well.

After my last relapse, I had fell off-course a few times. Some of those times have been for several days, something that can be hard to digest. The last time, I discovered that recovering from those instances takes more than the time that I would want to be away from doing the things that I enjoy. Other things that need to be taken care of fall out of place and there are numerous other issues. Seeing this has given me some insight to document when things fall off-course and to work towards a plan to get back on-course, all thigs that are part of the Wellness Recovery Action Plan.

There is no rush for me, but there is a desire for me to be consistent with my mental health. There is also a better desire to have the conversations that I need to have regarding how to prevent things from happening again that sends me down the negative course. But, also understanding the effects of not doing what I need to do to stay well, while not initially visible and aware is something I need to work more on avoiding as I am working on these goals at day service by documenting how to stay well and on-course. It is also making other ancillary plans, such as medication adherence to ensure that I am doing my best to stay well.

There is a goal to want to do what is necessary to stay well because there is a tiredness of living in a lie. There is a part that where I am in fear of being honest out of the fear of being ridiculed with knowing that I was struggling, yet there is a desire to be honest about my mental health because that is the purpose of services, goals and so forth and the brunt of the problems won’t  be addressed if I am unwilling to tackle them head on.

The reality is that I have such an immense history with all my services, it is just the fear of them reacting to my mistakes and mishaps that prevents me from being honest or even doing what I need to do at times to care for myself. Sometimes, it is the fact that I do not know if I will be fine or that I really need to step aside from what I must do for the sake of my mental health. There were times when I did not feel so guilty, but now knowing that I must work more at being honest, there is more of a willingness to do what I need to do to strive for the consistency that is wanted so I can see if I can be my best self. I know I can do anything if put my mind to it if I understand the importance of the rationale behind what I must do.