Oftentimes, I experience guilt about doing things for myself. It stems from living with my parents for several decades and being pressured to do what they think I should do. Although when I was unwell, I was not thinking about things this way, there are times when I feel guilty for doing things that find me comfort, relief, or happiness.

For three and a half  decades, I have always done what someone has told me to do. It was not like every decision was made in bad judgment, it is the fact that I never had the opportunity to understand that I did not have the ability to make decisions that I would want to do and feel comfortable making decisions. I often feel guilty if I just take time to relax and do something that helps me because for many years, I was coerced into doing what was expected of me.

There are of course other obligations that must be met in the grand scheme of things, and I have been blessed to be invited to many family gatherings even though they were hard for me to go to. I autistically masked my way through them because it was expected for me to go to them. There are just things we as human beings are expected to attend when we are family there was never any exception made for me. I know that many families with my condition are excluded from events, and I am grateful that my family includes me in their events.

It has been hard for me to not just stop and think about taking time for myself and relax and do something that I find interesting without being guilty about it. I know I should not live in fear of being judged for doing something many times in my own home. This can stem from many years of being judged and called lazy or worthless to where laying in a bed was being seen as less than, even though there were times where I was just overwhelmed with what I had to do in my life.

But those days are over, and I know I can concentrate on being more of the person who I want to be. When I am home, I am not responsible for reporting to anyone when I have what I call “flex time” to do as I please. I do not have to constantly do what I want to do or always must do something that uses the skills in my brain. I am slowly starting to learn that it is OK to just sit down and relax.

So much of the world today is in a constant state of movement and it does not ever seem to slow down. There is a part of me that keeps on going because there cannot seem to be a point where I cannot seem to be satisfied with myself or what I am doing, but it should be OK to just sit down and relax without worrying about things all the time.

After being at peace for the first time in many years, I must learn what works for me but there is also the fact that I should not feel guilty for doing things to relax me either. I am human and although my brain works differently, that does not mean my needs are different.