After battling negative feelings towards the past, I have recently begun to feel at peace with the feelings I had. I had never realized what being at peace feels like. It has been such a relieving feeling that cannot be better described other than the great sense of relief.

I have had a lot of feelings for many years towards things because I was often left under social pressure to believe that things were never positive. I always wanted to be one in compliance and not be the one to argue with others, but for an exceptionally long time I had harbored negative feelings about many situations that were battles in my own head that I never seemed to overcome.

It, like many of the issues regarding not being honest about my medication adherence was what I had chosen to keep a big secret. I had a continuous fear of being retaliated or having a negative consequence about discussing what I was feeling or that I was doing something wrong as if there would be a punishment given for saying what was on my mind because it was not going to be taken honestly for what it was.

But what I learned was that by holding those feelings, some of them over a decade is that I was only hurting myself more as time progressed. Even if I could not see it within myself, it was the catalyst for the meltdowns that I was experiencing and much of the anger that I was feeling towards my family. And while it is not as bad as it is today, it is gradually decreasing little by little.

While I have started to let go of what has been bothering me for far too long, I am now realizing that it is freeing up my mind to do so much more than what I had thought I had the ability to go because my mind is not stuck on those thoughts that once were. It has made me realize that I needed to find other things to keep my mind busy because there is not as much to worry about, and I can start to work on the things that I can find inspiring and what I want to do is that I so long desire.

 I honestly feel so much relief that it is like going back in time  so far that I do not remember a time when I was not stressed or worried about the things that I could not control. Part of that had to be accepting what the current situation is and learning how to make it the best that it could be and not be overwhelmed but also learning how to self-advocate when things need to be addressed. This means being the advocate that I need to be when time calls for things to be addressed without wondering if there is going to be judgment or retaliation.

Having the negative thoughts along with being afraid of not being heard when expressing my concerns about what was bothering is what has been holding me back for so long and it is a part of the song and dance that must be danced with knowing what is right and what needs to be brought to the attention of the appropriate party.

In the end, for now I am at peace, and I am learning to work with how I can do what I need to do to have a good relationship with life as it is in this world for what it is. I am beginning to understand that part of being at peace is sharing my concerns with my treatment team so that they can help me because they too want me to be at peace.