This week I have been experiencing a lot of thoughts about not wanting to work or going to day services because my anxiety is more flared up about the way things are now and being unwilling to let go of all the ways that things were in the past. But, through many pieces of reading online, I have discovered that I am fortunate to have the opportunity to do the things that I can do because others do not have such an opportunity.

As has been proven repeatedly with the autistic community, there is the proverbial cliff when individuals no longer have the educational system to keep them engaged. Many individuals do not get the opportunity to leave their home or worse face placement in community or group homes and as such must rely on strangers for their care as their loved ones do not want to care for them for various reasons or they just do not have the ability to live independently.

I am realizing that I am lucky to have the opportunity to not only be living independently, but also have a part time job. Another facet of that is being able to attend day services for support one day a week for support in taking care of myself and having an extra way to get help with the things that I need to get help with. It can be easy to take these things for granted and just think they are there or can be easily disposed of without realizing how challenging my life would be without them.

That is why through all my struggles over the past several years there have been so many that support me that never give up on me or let me give into wanting to stay home and isolate more when I want to. In those moments of wanting to thrown away the opportunities I have for what I can believe would be much better I do not realize how many others that have like challenges would be delighted to have the opportunity to do the things that I do or have those that care for me in their lives.

There are moments when everyone may not want to do what they need to do. Oftentimes my brain wants to avoid a situation because it is fueled by adrenaline and cortisol into a fight or flight state of thinking. I often want to avoid the instances when I am the most uncomfortable without deploying my coping skills. I have been working on finding more coping skills to cope with the challenging moments that happen from time to time. In the end I often experience pre-event anxiety and often the night before, but once I have a good night’s sleep, I do fine and am able to head out the door to my normal scheduled destination for the day.

My brain also overthinks about situations that I cannot control. I want to think that I will be able to fix things that are bothersome to me and I will have the solution that I desire, but there also needs to be a reality that there are things that are just what they are and once I get to them, I will be just fine, its just those pre-event jitters that get the best of me.

I also must realize that I need to understand that I cannot think loosely of the opportunities that I have as if they can just be let go of because I am having a bad day.

There are so many people that would give anything to have what I have or are not able to have the opportunities that I have and it can be hard when I talk of how disposable I believe that they can be without realizing how bad my life could be if I didn’t appreciate them by taking care of myself and understanding how fortunate I am to be able to have the opportunities I have as an autistic adult in the community that I live in.

So, I do understand that I need to better understand how fortunate I am to be able to do the things that I am able to do and not be totally isolated at home, with my family or in a congregate setting. It can be frustrating sometimes when things do not go the way that I think they should, but in the end, it is better than the alternatives that I could be faced with. I am extremely proud of the life I have and realize that I need to not take it as a given.