As I am practicing a weekend of self-care, I was reading on social media about an autism family struggling as their autistic loved one was struggling to manage themselves in public. While there should be no shame in autistic people being allowed in public, I at that age was not completely out of the woods of being able to manage myself in public.

I could relate deeply to the post. The Stares. The Silence. The Guilt. The Resentment. I have experienced it and when I commented that I have overcome the struggles of managing difficult situations in public, I was asked what helped me in those situations. Looking back, it took and still takes the brain to connect with knowing that there are others in my surroundings, and I need to be mindful of how I act in those situations because there will be instances where I would want to return to the establishment that I am.

I will not lie that it took a long time to understand the consequences or reacting negatively in public, especially with aggressive behavior. It took many conversations between my parents and my therapist to have a concrete understanding of what is acceptable versus what is not in public. And for most of the time there have not been issues.

The exclusions have been when I was highly caffeinated or not caring for myself in the form of adhering to my medication regimen. And as such, it was those that were the culprits that I had to understand that I cannot have caffeine and amounts of sugar to be able to regulate myself in situations that are sensitive to me.

But in those moments when it can be hard for me to regulate myself as it rarely happens, it is important for me to step away from a situation, take some deep breaths and re-evaluate the situation. As I am older, there are situations where I or my parents will realize that something is too much for us to be able to manage and we will go somewhere else, especially if there is a long wait for somewhere like a restaurant, for example. It can be hard to remain regulated when there is a lot of noise. And while I do not need to wear my headphones during the event, there may be times when before or after I will need them to prepare for the event or establishment that I will need to enter. This has taken my family a long time for me to understand this, but it is better than dealing with the aftermath of not having the time to need that space after such an activity.

It has taken a lot for me to be able to withstand going out in public and while I cannot be as visible that I have challenges compared to other autistic adults, there are still moments where it is visible that I am challenged. It used to offend me, but in a way, it is a grace and a blessing because I know that they are keeping an extra watch over me so that extra care is given.

But I do understand the embarrassment that is given when things do not go well in an established place or with a person and you may not see them again. That happened to me last year and how the other person, a support person, reacted to me was not appropriate, I still realize that I was part of the blame for not taking care of myself and even over a year later, I still feel the blame for the catalyst of what happened to make things what they are even though I was assured that things happened that way for a reason. In my mind, it still was not the right thing to do, and even though it has progressed into something better for me and the situation, I still feel guilt from time to time.

In the end, it has taken a lot for me to understand that it is important to be able to manage myself in public because I must always keep in mind that there are many protective measures that if I would react negatively that could turn a situation much worse. It has taken a lot for me to learn and grow from all my reactive experiences. And being able to recognize that I must be mindful of my experiences in public must always be at the forefront of my mind when out.