As I sit here preparing myself for the day ahead, there has always been a part of me over the past several years of fighting through the fear of heading out of the door to do whatever I need to do. Sometimes it is harder to fight through than other days. It has been better but from time to time it still appears, and I know that it is better to fight through it than give into what I am feeling.

I do not know what specifically I am afraid about. It is not like anything in the past. It could be that my medication has not kicked in yet. But I know that things are much better than they have ever been and living in a state of the past, thinking that the old ways are going to miraculously appear is not healthy either.

In the end, I know that I have a good life and as much as I know that it is important to fight the feelings of isolation that I feel from time to time, it is important to know that I need to be a responsible adult and just get out the door and once I do, I will be fine. The hardest part is having those  thoughts of wanting to stay behind and sulk on the useless and invalid thoughts that are unhealthy. It can be hard to fight and do what is right sometimes because that initial fear is always at the forefront of what I am thinking.

But it is not doing anything that I have not been thinking about doing different things because things are good the way that they are. My job is getting better and so is my relationship with my day services. It has been a great week and I have been taking care of myself when I needed to do so. But those thoughts that are sometimes referred to as the “night-before scares” appear and want me to think that I need to avoid doing what I need to do, even though it is more beneficial to just do it.

I could relate to the many times over the past several years where there was a deep situational factor that I would not want to go because of the dynamics that having to go out and get to and from where I needed to go. Having paratransit, while having minor waiting anxiety, is in the end much better than what the past practices were, and my brain is getting better at realizing that and letting go of all the thoughts that I had previously about it. The resentment and vindictiveness that I had towards those that made the decision, but in the end, it has worked out for the betterment of not only me, but so many others as well. Day services are growing and myself along with others are learning to foster independence by learning to transport themselves independently as what should be done.

Realizing that what I am thinking is very minimal in nature to what the big picture is and seeing that once I get out the door to where I need to go will diminish my fear and my day will be fine. It is important to fight through the fear because in the end, everything will be fine if I am patient with myself and allow myself to think in a normal way.