On the days when life is less filled with activity, it can be hard to fill the void of time with things to do without letting my thoughts get to me. The thoughts that my brain develops can be quite useless and invalid. And even though the brain sometimes tells me to sit down and sulk with my thoughts, deeper down, I know that I must push through the day with something to keep me engaged and my mind away from overthinking those invalid and useless thoughts.

There are two schools of thought in the neurodivergent community as it relates to pushing through the day. One is being constantly engaged while the other though is to relax. It varies from person to person and for me it can be a mix. When the resting is done, the thoughts start to occupy my brain that are useless and invalid and as a result it can be hard to regain focus on the things that I need to  in order to be well.

When those thoughts appear from the past of instances where I think I can fix things in the present, my brain gets frustrated because it not only knows that it can’t  do that, but that the present situation has way more benefits than what most of the thoughts of the past were about. I have done better at starting to let go of the vindictiveness and resentment of those thoughts that I felt along with having my life change because of them.

When I focused on me yesterday and not anything about the past, the day was so much better. I had a much better experience at the day services and was a great asset as always as I am anywhere. My new supervisor had sent message to me also in an email this week and I was very proud of having that acknowledgement because it had shown that through all the mucky thoughts that are experienced from time to time, there are brighter sides of my life and that is what I must continue to see as I push through it.

For a long time, I was angry. Not adhering to my medication regimen continually did not help. Nor did my excessive caffeine addiction along with the factors that I had to deal with continually with. As much as I was resistant to change, I have discovered that change, while scary at first, can be a good thing and that I have grown because of what I have gone through.

Everyone has hard days; it is just how you handle yourself when you have them. I know it is important to not take out on the loved ones that are already struggling with their own issues, and they do not to have my invalid and useless thoughts piled on. It is also learning to love myself more as time evolves and I am getting more comfortable with myself and being able to do more. What I am experiencing today is getting better as I am writing this post. It will be better in the morning, and it is not the worst possible thing that could happen to me, although there have been times when my brain thought that too.

I often remind myself that I am a very bright, joyous, and smart person. I have also been through much more than what those pesky little thoughts are delivering in my head, and I have the emotional intelligence to withstand what I am feeling and cope in the ways that I need to.

Todays thoughts did and will not hold me captive because there is so much more to life to be grateful for and even though it may not seem like the happiest time in my life, I am able to see so much more of the greater things that are in my life to be able to push myself through the rest of the day without sulking in negative thoughts. I am so worth the good.