As an autistic person, thoughts are always in my head. Many times, they can be managed quite well, but there are times when the thoughts can be quite negative in nature. They mostly involve things that I have a deep sensitivity to and think need changed or rectified, even if I cannot do anything about them. What happens in life, happens and there are times you cannot be the one that makes things change to what you want them to be. But I have been doing better recently in getting redirected out of the negative spins that I get in.

As widely known, many autistic people struggle with change. It is more difficult to make a change when it involves things that you have been deeply rooted in or it involves something that causes the sensitivities to be deeply affected. As much as we as autistic human beings want things to always be the same, there is also a reality that nothing can always be the same and everything changes at some juncture in our lives.

However, during the change, some things have been magnified because my involvement in what it involves has been dissolved, as it should have been all along. Yet, I feel resentment about making a change and just being a bystander even though I know that the change is for my benefit among all the other changes that have happened. My brain still wants to live in the past holding on to believing that things can stay the same, but in many cases change was good as sometimes if we are patient, can be.

With change there will be never the same, but it does not mean that there are feelings that are hurt in the process and until recently, I discovered that I continue to hold them in the form of echolalia, or scripting. I never share them with the parties that the change is involved with, as I they are sure that change is difficult for everyone, it’s just the fact that I am working to get rid of internal grudges that are fueled by the thoughts of my past that I grieve in private and those that know about what I must undergo.

The changes that I must endure have helped me in many ways that the vulnerability of being subjected to those behind the change has lessened and the ability to make the transition of that change even before the deadline shows my comfort of the change. But it does not mean that I grieve over it or that it lives in my brain as a negative thing because my brain has the stinkin’ thinking about it and I know that it is unhealthy.

As things have gotten better with my well-being overall, I am doing better at diverting my thinking energy out of the negative and working on things that need to be worked on in my personal life that are far more productive while trying to think about those pesky thoughts that have no value to me and I know I need to put them to rest, because they are history.

In the end, it is getting  better because I know that those negative feelings are unhealthy and never result in anything and that it is best to work on something that is more fruitful and beneficial to me. And as there are days where struggling is present, it is more important to be kind towards myself and work my way out of the funky thinking that I am experiencing, because all that is holding me back is negative thoughts that are history by seeing the benefits of the current situation and letting go of the grudges that I hold because of my historic, deep-embedded involvement.