As I get settled back into a state of a decent well-being, the intrusive,  looping thoughts become too real with me. They sometimes hold me hostage in my own body with what I know I need and want to do, but I must start to learn to let the thoughts go as they are often unhealthy and no longer valid.

I do believe that there are trauma responses that come in the form of scripting negative answers when I am by myself. It is one quality about myself that I do not appreciate about autism. It constantly occupies my mind and can be truly angry and make me feel down and out about myself to the point that I cannot think about anything else.

Despite working towards a period of survival, it can be hard to let go of past events where I want to express my anger towards others without piecing all the event or instance together. I may just be a witness or may overthink things to the extreme by thinking it is the worst possible thing that could happen even though I am assured that it was acceptable to feel the way that I did about something. Even days later these events can reappear in my headspace and all I can think about is how it made me feel and that I cannot process or express how I feel.

 There can be things that happen that in no way involve me, but it is stressful for me because it is an old behavior to think certain things and want to feel a sense of revenge or vindicate what I do not feel is right, even though I have no reason to believe it involves me. I want to be the one that gets revenge for the way things were, even though they were in the past and do not exist or are valid anymore. I carried this anger for an extraordinarily long time because I was hurt and the only solution, I feel, is to express myself when it is safe to do so in the form of echolalia because it is the safest.

Yet when I am verbally stimming, I know that it is untrue and unhealthy for me to do so. I am fortunate to know that it is just me that feels the way I do and that there is no reason to bring up the issues that I am having with others. I know that I can care for myself later and thankfully it has not caught the attention of others and that they are not hearing the effects of what I am expressing, because I know that there is the right time and place to do so.

In the end, I know that it is important when these feelings are in my headspace to give myself a little more TLC and practice more self-care than normal so I can navigate an ever-challenging world that can through many surprises in its path. I am smart and I know that it is important to always keep my composure when I am with others because I would not want to have those that look up to me to see me in a negative state.

It is up to me to remember to focus on the things that I can control and stay away from the energized things that cannot be controlled that have the potential to stress me out . I must remember how much progress I have made in my life and that presence is everything.