Many times, over the past few years, I have let my thoughts win over what is true or what really should be said. There are times when the filter that we need to have before we say hurtful things is not applied and as such, we say hurtful things, in my case calling out others’ faults which strain the relationships that I have with others. Sometimes they can be rebuilt, but that is not always the case.

Most of the time when I would vocalize the words outside of my safe space was mostly at day services towards staff when I was frustrated with them. While this is a poor way of self-advocacy, it was my thought at the time that I would get what I wanted. All it did was make me feel very resentful and, in some instances, I occasionally still feel that way because I had never had the chance to rectify the situation.

While the dynamics around stressful situations have been eliminated, there are moments where the thoughts can arise, and they are scripted in the safety of my own home. They are usually scripted as them being the problem. My old ways of thinking are that they are the reason that I at times feel the anger and anxiety. Eventually, I will realize that there were things that happened in the past and that what I am experiencing does not matter anymore and I need to be better at letting it go.

I will agree that there are moments that I need to realize that I need to work more on myself and not let the angst caused by my anxiety get to me. Because of the elimination of the previous situations that involved my meltdowns no longer exists, there has no longer been the wanting to avoid things like even going to work or day services or even having a meltdown.

It is knowing that I presently have a goal to work on my mental wellness and being at day services helps me in terms of working out the challenging situations that arise. It is not the issues of others as that can flare up my anxiety to wanting to avoid it. It takes knowing why I feel the way I do and working towards developing coping strategies to best avoid the situations that happened that got me in the way that get when I get frustrated and script negatively. It is developing thoughts to replace the feelings that I am feeling and distracting myself better when the fears and angst appear in my headspace.

I will agree that I am doing better and that I have my days because it can be seeing one thing that can set me in a negative spin. Throughout it all, it is very important to not give up doing what needs to be done, leaving those challenging situations and working to find solutions and not feeling as I have to be the one that finds the solution to every problem to find the comfort  that I need to have when stressful situations arise. It is realizing that what happened in the past is history and I need to continue to work towards living in the present and making the best of the situation that I have been handed for the good.