For most of my life, in my eyes when someone chose to take a nap, that was seen as a sign of laziness or weakness. This has been engrained to me because of my family feeling this way for the longest time that I had lived under their roof. Naps were not just a part of the daily routine.

 Growing up and not having steady sleep had caused my parents to believe that if I napped during the day that I would not sleep well that evening. It is possible that they were right in a way as I struggled with sleeping for many years until finding the medication that helps wind down the brain for bed in the evenings. I am certain that it was a huge relief when  I had a consistent sleep routine.

However, when I moved out on my own, I had skipped doses of this medication and because of my bipolar disorder, experienced a great sense of mania that made my bipolar disorder act in full swing out of control. I had battled with the necessity of having to take my medication at many intervals until a few weeks ago, until concern was brought to me about the way that I was acting. Although I knew that I was acting the way I did before having these medications decades ago, I was resistant to go back to the old ways for feeling “drugged” or “overmedicated.” Within time, I would learn that these feelings were not valid.

Ten months ago, I experienced a severe manic episode at work, and I thought  that I had understood the necessity of having to adhere to my medication regimen, however not realizing the need to nap daily and set a time limit to it was one of the factors that drove me to make another destructive decision a few months ago. In the past year, I had napped for several hours at a time compared to the less than an hour that I do presently. Feeling the need to adhere to a clock did not help in the necessity of adhering to my medication regimen.

Now I can sense the necessity of taking a nap every day as it helps keep me more awake and my mood more regulated. Sometimes when I wake up, I will take a shower to relax and recenter my brain. I used to feel judged for needing to taking several showers a day, however as I am not financially responsible for the water bill, I see no reason to live in fear of showering as I need to regroup and relax from a stressful day.

So has taken me a long time to accept and recognize the need to nap as it is necessary to do so out of a great sense of fear but is a part of understanding that it is a necessity when it comes to being on medication maintenance for my mental health challenges. It is also important to remember that I need to give myself grace and remember how hard it was to get things to the point where they are today.