As I may have said on my platform before and it is one of the less-talked subjects of autism is the great fact that many autistics many times become vulnerable to victimization or being led into believing things in order to feel accepted and wanted by others even if what they are led to believe is not something that is no way relatable to what would make them feel comfortable or may even be something that would honestly make them feel repulsed by doing it, however because they feel the need for connection they do what is necessary to feel  connected or accepted by others.

I can remember that moment that began my journey into a horrible temptation that I had always known deep down was wrong for me nor I did want to go down that path. For the ease of conflict, I will only say that it involves a rainbow and is celebrated in June. It started with a text that occurred as I was walking down the street over six years ago. Heading down the path of being very mentally unstable at the time, I allowed myself to be deeply immersed in this dialogue because I had felt like I was connecting with someone about it.

However, I as much as I believed this about myself, there was also the reality that in my right mind that I would find these acts very repulsive and offensive in nature, I allowed myself to be extremely immersed in it and became started the process of proclaiming the act that in what was the smallest sense of doubt I know that I did not like, but because I had connected with others in a way that allowed me to feel accepted by people other than my own family and people in real life that I know care about me more than those that are not in my life, I had a huge disconnect with reality.

What also did not help was the fact that I was not mentally stable because I was not fully adhering to my medication regimen. And while really took a very drastic turn in that arena a year ago in that arena and within time that did not prove well at all, in fact it was the catalyst that made many things that were happening crash. As I had to put my life’s obligations to get myself back on the right path with where I really needed to be mentally, there was still this deep belief of feeling ways about myself that I continued to know that were not at all right in my mind that would make me feel comfortable as a human being.

Within the last full months,  I would realize that those things forgiven deep down were wrong about me for over the past five years were completely untrue and that even though I had allowed myself to be led down a very challenging path, I have forgave myself and did the right thing to rectify myself to start my journey back on the right path where I needed to be all along. Some things in life are better left unsaid when interacting with them and there are limits when it comes to sharing and definitely the past five years has taken me down a very wretched path, but I can honestly say that I have been there, done that and I am not ever coming back from those years of confusing and consuming moments.