When transitioning to something that is new to someone, it can be a challenge. I recently experienced one of the biggest changes to my daily routine that I was quite anxious about for some time because as prior experience and misconceptions about it without giving it the benefit of the doubt to see if it worked.

As many know, autistic individuals, including myself, are very resistant to change. Last week started the transition from my day services providing transportation to using the county’s paratransit system. Through my experience of many years of being employed among other things, there were many misconceptions that it would be a successful transition due to the historic negative image that the service once had. Despite leadership and many staffers leaving over the past few years, it was hard to believe the fact that this was a very good and well-thought-out idea.

When the idea was first discussed in my vicinity, I was about ready to experience a meltdown because I couldn’t imagine myself transitioning to being semi-independent. I had always had some sort of resentment towards the staff at the day program over the years and many of my meltdowns were always surrounded around the factors of being transported somewhere. It was and still is something that I am quite sensitive about for some reason.

I began catastrophic thinking and being defensive with the fact that I would have to quit my part-time job, be discharged from services, and get into the habit of dumpster diving at the local food stores and restaurants. This was a completely abstract fear, but it was what I was really thinking. However, due to  my last experience when I was not totally myself, I instead went and talked to the day services staff privately to discuss my concerns and problem solve and see that although I did not see the benefits of transitioning to paratransit, there are many reasons beyond my control that this became necessary to do in order to ensure that the same level of opportunities could be provided at the day services.

During the next ten days, my anxiety increased greatly. I thought of every worst possible scenario, I reminisced about past instances of anger and produced a great deal of anger and hatred towards the staff at the day program for making this necessary transition, feeling as if it was going to be the worst thing that was ever going to happen and make things worse than what they were. I took out most of my anger towards my mother, which I often do and as much as she tried to reason of me, I was reluctant to hear it. During this transition, I could not see any benefit of this being a good thing.

I used every coping skill possible and no matter how much I could see that this was going to be OK, I still had the negative thoughts return to my headspace thinking that this was the worst possible thing that could happen in my life and that there was no way out of it. Change is hard and I got that, but there was so much negative history enmeshed within me that I could not see that although I was told that things had changed, my brain would not allow me to see that and instead become overconsumed with negative thoughts.

And after all that worrying, as what happens in many autistic individuals, once something happens and it does go smoothly, which for the most part it did, the fear diminishes, and it becomes like second nature like it was nothing to worry about. One aboard and being able to see that this can be a segway for me to at one point in the near future leave day services and make the transition to being truly independent, which was something that I have been greatly reluctant to do for some time, it gives me the hope that I needed to see after many years of comfort and redundance with no hope at the end of the tunnel.