For far too long, I have let enmeshed thoughts that were mostly fed to me about others deeply rule my brain and not allow myself to see that I need to see myself in my own light and not keep rehashing the way things were or that things cannot change because I am used to things being a certain way. I must accept that when letting go of what was, I must let go of the negativity that came with it and move on.

For the most part of my life when I meet any stranger on the street or someone that knows me from an inner surface, they see the good in me and that it can be hard to see things that have been deeply enmeshed in my brain or thoughts that I have had to continue to live with, even though they are long gone from existence to be in my daily life. Because they were drilled into my head through other people who saw me in a different role than what I was really supposed to be, it did a lot of internal damage to my way of thinking and my brain would not allow me to see other than what was being told to me.

Being autistic, we often have what is called “black and white” thinking. We see it as if it is a good or a really bad thing. This means that we cannot be unbiased in our thinking. We can also be easily led to believe something because we are led to believe as if it is the only thing about someone or something and there is no other value to it. This has caused strife in me over the years and when I wasn’t at my best over the last few years, I have lashed out towards others calling out their truths without being able to see the reality in situations because I had been easily led to believe that it was supposed to be a way that it was not to be.

This perceived reality of what had been long fed to me existed for many years that when things changed to that situation, it was hard for me to accept the change and that while others did things the way that were supposed to happen, I was reluctant to accept that it was the way that it was supposed to be. The continuous stream of the negative thoughts has continued to flow into my mind and I could not see that things happen and do change and I have to move forward and not hold a grudge and the same happened with others as well that continued to create a continuous toxic situation.

Eventually, through me not caring for myself in many ways, my negativity exploded once and I had a really bad meltdown that made me a monster and while a part of that was finally gone, it would be some months and other destructive decisions before I would realize that I needed to care for myself in other ways.

While I have made the right decision to do what was right by making wise choices and experiencing better changes to other environments, I was continuing to rehash the past or the way that those people that were long gone fed my mind with things that I had no business feeling or being able to decipher that was only one opinion of the way things were. The reality is that all that and the way that it was done is all gone now, and things are different and are seemingly much better than they were for many years.

I know I must move on and get rid of all the negative that has enmeshed and bogged down my brain for so long because things are different now and there is absolutely no reason to let things that had no healthy merit being in my mind that was then, and this is now. I need to take this time and work on things that I need to better myself on and not be consumed by things that cannot be controlled when I am nowhere near them or have no say or direction in the way that they occur.

The reality is that the new way of doing things gives me a new chance to try to be a better person and not have the negativity that has been so deeply embedded in my mind for many years because of being unable to be unbiased. The reality is that there are so many people who care and help me in my life and while everyone has their flaws and faults, it is not a reason to hold grudges or be impartial to them because of what someone else’s belief is towards them. The reality is that it is not healthy to not see people in the light that you are fed, rather how they think of you and how do they treat you. It is not healthy to be critical of someone because you are easily led to believe that. You have been your own judge and get that read for yourself and see past the “black and white” thinking that I can have and work at seeing things from my perspective.

The reality is that I was the one that was seen in a different light and over time it proved to be detrimental and unhealthy for me. Eventually everyone saw that, and I never want my peers to see me as that monster that I have been a few times in my life. I can be such an inspiration to others, and they look up to me for my many years of wisdom, therefore I have to work on living by the better example of who I know I can be. I have to be me in my own light and be the person I know I can be.